When I accepted the job offer to start coaching high school
cross country 8 years ago, I took that role very seriously. I didn’t just want to be a good role model in
terms of my running and my health, but I wanted to be a role model of what it
looks like to be a good person, to make good choices, and to show them that it is always okay to speak up when something
doesn’t sit right with you.
Today I weighed heavily on how to deal with something that
hasn’t been sitting right with me recently. Something that has weaved in and
out of my life for the last 4 years. And
today I finally decided that instead of shrinking with fear about something, I
would do the opposite. I would do what I
hope any athlete I have ever worked with would choose to do. And that is to give voice to what makes you
the most uncomfortable. After all, I
think that those things that weigh the
most heavily on you, are the things that most need to be talked about.
A few years ago I came face to face with a very volatile
situation with someone I once considered a friend, a person that I thought was
a good human being. Over the course of a
few months he quickly showed me otherwise.
I made quick and drastic life choices to cut this person out of my life
and to move in the very opposite direction.
What I didn’t see coming was years of him harassing me. I was followed, he would send things to my
work and to the high school I coach at, he would leave very cryptic voicemails,
texts and emails. My skin would crawl
and I’d be racked with fear every time he would surface. One instance of him following me from work
had me looking in my rear view mirror more often that I care to admit. I even
went to the extent of having broken glass outside my first floor bedroom window. That way if someone were to be milling around
outside I’d hear the glass crunching before they tried to enter.
With this person, a few months of silence are always
followed by an incredibly odd gesture by him.
I ran into him at a coffee shop in February of this year, and on May 29th
I received a letter from him
that contained these excerpts:
*******
*******
*******
*******
Is the hair on the back of your neck standing up? I know mine was, and is whenever I think about
that letter.
Fast forward to this past July. I was in Italy having the
adventure of a lifetime. On my first
night staying in Salo at a very upscale hotel on Lake Garda, a man sitting
alone at the table next to me asked if I wanted to join him for some company. I
was almost done with my limoncello and figured it would be nice to talk with an
English speaker. General conversation
about travel, work, and music, led to an hour later when he asked me if I
wanted another glass of wine. I said no
thank you. He strongly said ‘you really
should have another.’ My internal radar went off to tell me that he
had high whack-a-doodle potential, so I called it a night.
The next morning after my workout I ran into him in the
breakfast area. I said hello since he clearly saw me. Then he said ‘I’m so glad I ran into you! I
wanted to send you a message, but now that I see you in person I don’t have to! I
found your Facebook profile last night, it’s surprising how easy it is to find
Tracey in Madison, Wisconsin. I’m not a
stalker or anything.’ I was
instantly creeped out and turned incredibly cold. My afternoon at the hotel
pool was unfortunately spent ignoring him as he tried to make small talk. Eventually he left because he had to catch a
flight back to Switzerland.
End of story, right?
Wrong. A few days later I had a Facebook
friend request from him, along with a message about how John Legend was playing
in Switzerland that night. (I had mentioned pre-creep factor that I really liked
John Legend). I didn’t reply, and
shortly thereafter blocked him. Then he
pops up requesting to follow me on Instagram – the photos of his that I can see
are things that pertained to us meeting. The hotel, the pool there, and even a
screenshot of a John Legend song I said I liked playing on his phone. BLOCK. Then he builds another Facebook profile with
the hotel pool as the cover photo. BLOCK.
Another Instagram account from him asking to follow me. BLOCK. Get the picture?
Then Friday he builds another profile, sends another message
about how lovely it was meeting me, blah blah blah. Then sends three pictures that shows he’s
traveling – one photo was of a plane engine above the clouds. CREEPY.
I sent a message stating exactly this: ‘I do not wish to correspond with
you. Please cease all attempts to
contact me.’ BLOCK.
Maybe this person is just socially inept, has no emotional
intelligence, and is very lonely (despite the fact that he’s married with two
kids). I don’t know what his defect is
that he tirelessly tries to get in contact with someone he talked with about general
topics with for a single hour, more than 4 months ago. But what I do know is this – it’s creepy, it’s unnecessary, and I did
nothing to provoke him, OR the other man I referenced.
That was something I needed to remind myself of. Over the years I had been pretty quiet about
what that first man was doing, and what kinds of oddball things he was writing
(he at one point sent me a letter to work, telling me he psychically connected
to my dog, and that he was sick. .. umm… nope.). I felt ashamed to bring it up to anyone. I
figured that if I brought up this crazy acting person and what he was doing, it
would reflect poorly on me. Maybe people
would think I provoked it. Or asked for it.
Or it was payback for not realizing sooner that he was unstable.
But today, as I thought about the man I met in Italy whose
new favorite hobby seems to be creating new social media profiles to try and contact
me, and this previous person who I lost countless hours of sleep over, I
thought of my athletes. If one of my athletes were to be in the same
situation, how would I hope she would respond? I sure as hell wouldn’t urge her
to suffer in silence.
Shame and fear,
when kept in the dark, breed more of the same.
I think of these two men, and though I choose not to name
them, they don’t deserve my ‘protection’, or my silence. Fuck that.
Fuck staying quiet and shrinking into the shadows. Fuck allowing someone else to make me feel like
I’m not safe in my evening commute, or when out running a few miles in the
dark. Fuck any person that has caused another person to live in fear, for
whatever reason.
This is my first (big) step to ending that previous cycle of
staying quiet and assuming that the harassing person will just disappear. Statistically, I am sure that some of my
readers have experienced similar things.
How you choose to respond is up to you.
As for me, I’m ready to start a new cycle. One in which my athletes can see a role model
of a person who will stand up for herself, be courageous, and not take blame
for something that isn’t their fault.
Someone who is willing to speak up and give voice to something that is
really uncomfortable to talk about. And
I hope it gives them license to do the same.