Monday, November 23, 2015

Breaking The Cycle

When I accepted the job offer to start coaching high school cross country 8 years ago, I took that role very seriously.  I didn’t just want to be a good role model in terms of my running and my health, but I wanted to be a role model of what it looks like to be a good person, to make good choices, and to show them that it is always okay to speak up when something doesn’t sit right with you. 

Today I weighed heavily on how to deal with something that hasn’t been sitting right with me recently. Something that has weaved in and out of my life for the last 4 years.  And today I finally decided that instead of shrinking with fear about something, I would do the opposite.  I would do what I hope any athlete I have ever worked with would choose to do.  And that is to give voice to what makes you the most uncomfortable.  After all, I think that those things that weigh the most heavily on you, are the things that most need to be talked about. 

A few years ago I came face to face with a very volatile situation with someone I once considered a friend, a person that I thought was a good human being.  Over the course of a few months he quickly showed me otherwise.  I made quick and drastic life choices to cut this person out of my life and to move in the very opposite direction.  What I didn’t see coming was years of him harassing me.  I was followed, he would send things to my work and to the high school I coach at, he would leave very cryptic voicemails, texts and emails.  My skin would crawl and I’d be racked with fear every time he would surface.  One instance of him following me from work had me looking in my rear view mirror more often that I care to admit.  I even went to the extent of having broken glass outside my first floor bedroom window.  That way if someone were to be milling around outside I’d hear the glass crunching before they tried to enter. 

With this person, a few months of silence are always followed by an incredibly odd gesture by him.  I ran into him at a coffee shop in February of this year, and on May 29th I received a letter from him 
that contained these excerpts:

*******
*******

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Is the hair on the back of your neck standing up?  I know mine was, and is whenever I think about that letter.

Fast forward to this past July. I was in Italy having the adventure of a lifetime.  On my first night staying in Salo at a very upscale hotel on Lake Garda, a man sitting alone at the table next to me asked if I wanted to join him for some company. I was almost done with my limoncello and figured it would be nice to talk with an English speaker.  General conversation about travel, work, and music, led to an hour later when he asked me if I wanted another glass of wine.  I said no thank you.  He strongly said ‘you really should have another.’  My internal radar went off to tell me that he had high whack-a-doodle potential, so I called it a night. 

The next morning after my workout I ran into him in the breakfast area. I said hello since he clearly saw me.  Then he said ‘I’m so glad I ran into you! I wanted to send you a message, but now that I see you in person I don’t have to!  I found your Facebook profile last night, it’s surprising how easy it is to find Tracey in Madison, Wisconsin.  I’m not a stalker or anything.’  I was instantly creeped out and turned incredibly cold. My afternoon at the hotel pool was unfortunately spent ignoring him as he tried to make small talk.  Eventually he left because he had to catch a flight back to Switzerland. 

End of story, right?  Wrong.  A few days later I had a Facebook friend request from him, along with a message about how John Legend was playing in Switzerland that night. (I had mentioned pre-creep factor that I really liked John Legend).  I didn’t reply, and shortly thereafter blocked him.  Then he pops up requesting to follow me on Instagram – the photos of his that I can see are things that pertained to us meeting. The hotel, the pool there, and even a screenshot of a John Legend song I said I liked playing on his phone.  BLOCK.  Then he builds another Facebook profile with the hotel pool as the cover photo.  BLOCK.  Another Instagram account from him asking to follow me.  BLOCK.  Get the picture? 
 
Then Friday he builds another profile, sends another message about how lovely it was meeting me, blah blah blah.  Then sends three pictures that shows he’s traveling – one photo was of a plane engine above the clouds.  CREEPY.  I sent a message stating exactly this: ‘I do not wish to correspond with you.  Please cease all attempts to contact me.’ BLOCK. 


Maybe this person is just socially inept, has no emotional intelligence, and is very lonely (despite the fact that he’s married with two kids).  I don’t know what his defect is that he tirelessly tries to get in contact with someone he talked with about general topics with for a single hour, more than 4 months ago.   But what I do know is this – it’s creepy, it’s unnecessary, and I did nothing to provoke him, OR the other man I referenced. 

That was something I needed to remind myself of.  Over the years I had been pretty quiet about what that first man was doing, and what kinds of oddball things he was writing (he at one point sent me a letter to work, telling me he psychically connected to my dog, and that he was sick. .. umm… nope.).  I felt ashamed to bring it up to anyone. I figured that if I brought up this crazy acting person and what he was doing, it would reflect poorly on me.  Maybe people would think I provoked it. Or asked for it.  Or it was payback for not realizing sooner that he was unstable. 

But today, as I thought about the man I met in Italy whose new favorite hobby seems to be creating new social media profiles to try and contact me, and this previous person who I lost countless hours of sleep over, I thought of my athletes.  If one of my athletes were to be in the same situation, how would I hope she would respond? I sure as hell wouldn’t urge her to suffer in silence. 

Shame and fear, when kept in the dark, breed more of the same. 

I think of these two men, and though I choose not to name them, they don’t deserve my ‘protection’, or my silence.  Fuck that.  Fuck staying quiet and shrinking into the shadows.  Fuck allowing someone else to make me feel like I’m not safe in my evening commute, or when out running a few miles in the dark.  Fuck any person that has caused another person to live in fear, for whatever reason. 


This is my first (big) step to ending that previous cycle of staying quiet and assuming that the harassing person will just disappear.  Statistically, I am sure that some of my readers have experienced similar things.  How you choose to respond is up to you.  As for me, I’m ready to start a new cycle.  One in which my athletes can see a role model of a person who will stand up for herself, be courageous, and not take blame for something that isn’t their fault.  Someone who is willing to speak up and give voice to something that is really uncomfortable to talk about.  And I hope it gives them license to do the same. 

Thursday, November 12, 2015

When The Wheels Fall Off

In my most recent post I announced my big goal of attempting to land myself in the top 10 women finishers ever in the FANS 12 Hour Ultra Race.  I have a very elaborate training plan.  I have taken my nutrition, strength, flexibility, balance, sleep, and even natural energy patterns into consideration.  And you know what?  Even with all that planning, shit happens.  You can’t control everything, and to be completely honest, there’s very little you control at all. 
Tuesday night I ran with my usual group of awesome runner friends on a route that should have been a breeze.  It was a 6+ mile route around places I was familiar, with familiar faces, and is something I had done countless times before.  Slam dunk, right?  Wrong.  WAY wrong.  The entire run felt like I was going uphill, through quicksand with twin toddlers pulling at my legs.  I was flat out miserable.  Lungs burning. Hands freezing.  Feet barely getting off the ground.  I was thankful that I had a great guy running with me that helped me stay focused, and even remind me that it was great practice for having to run uncomfortable during next year’s 12 hour event.  It was my most difficult run in years. 

I also currently have a few people in my life that I care very much about that are struggling with their own sets of challenges.  Addictions, relationship troubles, you name it.  Things are heavy in my circle right now.  And they are challenges that I can’t do anything about.  As much as I like to swoop in and make person’s day, fix a problem, and come to the rescue, there was nothing I could do for any of them. 

As I proceeded to stew about my horrible run, and these sweet people that are struggling, it wasn’t until I took a step back, caught up on some sleep, and did some good self-care, that it hit me.   I was focused on what I don’t want.  I was thinking about how badly I didn’t want another horrible run like that, about how I didn’t want these people to feel alone or helpless.  I felt frozen in that line of thinking.  Until this morning. 

I woke up with resolve to attack my day and get my head on straight.  I wanted to focus on what I could control - my actions and my intentions. Time to think about what I DO want.  I want to have solid workouts, so I need to stick to proper nutrition, hydration, and sleep.  I want the people I’m concerned about to know that I care, that I’m in their corner, and that I will continue to be there.  THAT I can control, because that’s on me.  Those are things I can have influence over.  It feels so much better to DO something than be frozen in what you’re afraid of, or what you desperately don’t want to happen. 



Tonight I get back up on the running ‘horse’ so to speak, and know that I’ve taken better care of myself to increase my likelihood of a better run.  And if for some reason it’s a struggle again, I will rely on the wonderful people around me to help me get through it, and I’ll focus on what I can do to make the next one better. 

I will also reach out to those people that have been on my mind, and remind them that I’m thinking of them.  It doesn’t solve the problem, but it is something I can do and feel good about.  And that is a step in a much more powerful direction.


If this resonates with you and you could use a mental boost to switch you own gears, give this a listen.  Peter Sage is awesome.