Choosing Who You Spend Time With - It Matters!

Welcome to week 4!  When I kicked off this blogging project I was estimating that I’d roll this out in 7 installments.  Now that I have been at this a few weeks, it’s more important for me to focus on giving you the most important pieces of changing your mindset, so I’m condensing this series to 5.  My purpose in sharing all this is to hopefully inspire at least some people to take even one nugget and at least try it out.  That’s it.  So I’m focusing on presenting the most powerful tools I have come across in working on having a proactive, powerful mindset in my life.  And today is a big one.  A big, fat, important, awesome, incredibly impactful one.  Are you ready for this?  Okay let’s go.  J

It’s time to think about your surroundings.  I’m not talking about the paint color on your walls, or the amount of natural light you have in your house.  I’m talking about your people surroundings.  Who do you elect to spend the most time with?  Friends? Family? A significant other?  Write down the 5 – 10 people that you spend the most time with.

Now think about whether you get a positive, or a negative charge from that person.  If you have someone that you find to be draining (you have less energy after spending time with them, they complain a lot, gossip, have a victim mentality), then put a minus sign next to their name.  On the flipside, are there people on your list that you get really excited to see? You have more energy after being with them?  They look at the positive side of things, and inspire you? Put a positive sign next to their name.    

Now let’s do an inventory – what does your population of +’s and –‘s look like?  If you’ve got more –‘s than +’s, that’s a problem.  Even one minus can be a problem. 

I’ve talked a lot in this series about your power to choose – we always have a choice.  This may come as a big surprise, but you have the power to choose who you spend time with! You may have a friend on your list with a minus sign next to their name, and you stay friends with them because you’ve been friends for so long.  Or maybe you’re in a relationship with that minus sign.  And you know what – you can choose to not be around them anymore!  It may sound harsh, but look at it this way – if you’re surrounded by –‘s that drain you, how does that impact you?  I’m willing to bet that if your list is filled with negative people, you my friend, may also be viewed as negative.  Sorry to break it to you. 

Jim Rohn is a very famous American entrepreneur, author and motivational speaker, and he said one of my favorite quotes about this.  “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” If your five people are negative, have a victim mentality, gossip, and don’t work toward any goals, it’s going to be hard as hell for you to succeed in those areas. 

A few years ago I took a personal inventory of those I considered my closest friends, and decided to do the uncomfortable and overhaul my friend group.  I wanted to be close to more people that had goals, worked towards being better versions of themselves, people that would run their day instead of letting their day run them.  I won’t lie – it was a hard process.  Really hard, but now I have this amazing group of people that light me up, inspire me to be better, challenge me to think differently, give back, and be impeccable in my word!  It is light years easier to succeed in living the kind of life I want to lead when I have a support system of people that value the same things.  It’s that simple. 

Personal Story Time!  Last year I really wanted to focus on forming more female friendships, so I signed up to go to a seminar that was sponsoredby Brava. It’s for women that were focused on both personal and career development.  That morning as I got ready to attend I was thinking about my desire to make more like-minded female friends, so I set the intention of going to this seminar, sitting next to people I didn’t know, and to talk to at least three different women.  I chose a seat in a section of the room I wouldn’t naturally pick, and before long a friendly seeming woman came and sat next to me.  As we listened to the speaker (Darcy Luoma) present, I noticed that the woman next to me seemed to have a similar sense of humor, and responded to the same material that resonated with me.  We were partners for a few of the exercises, and I knew I instantly liked her.  As the seminar wrapped up I sat there with a business card in my hand thinking ‘okay, how do I give this person my business card without it being weird?  Is this weird?  Do I just throw it at her and run off and hope she calls?  Or do I just say that I’m looking for more friends?  Is THAT weird???’  In the end I turned to her and said ‘I’m always looking for like-minded people to talk about these kinds of topics with, can I give you my card?’  She happily accepted and gave me hers, and suggested we get together sometime to go to The Dream Bank.  I think that was about a year ago now, and I can say that the woman I met (Carly) is one of my favorite people and most inspiring friends! 

This is Carly and I with Darcy Luoma at Dream Bank!

There are countless ways to optimize your chances of meeting someone new that will complement your life and what you’re working towards.

Let’s say you have a goal to run a half marathon, and the closest five people in your life are very sedentary.  Seek out a beginners running group so you have people around you that help you towards your goal.

Or maybe you’re a young professional that’s starting out and you want to focus on moving up the ladder and learning as much as you can, but your friends are all complacent in their work and prefer to coast through.  You could look into joining a young professionals group (like the Rosenberry Society) and meet people through that.

It doesn’t have to be a harsh process of banishing long-time friends from your life just because they see the glass as half empty.  You can naturally displace these people from what I call your ‘first tier friends’ to ‘second tier friends’ by making a conscious effort to meet more people that are in alignment with your values. 

Some of you may be saying ‘but Tracey, some of my people are family members! I can’t just not see them anymore!’  I can understand that.  But there is something you can do there.  Set limits.  Maybe you normally go to a relative’s house for a holiday and stay for 6 hours, hating every second.  Instead, set the limit of only going for two.  Sure, some people may not like it, but you are allowed to make that choice!  This exercise is all about helping you set up your surroundings to help you be who you want to be.  If that’s a high enough priority to you, you will allow yourself to set some limits.

I also want to address your work environment.  Most of us spend a lot of time at work during any given week, and most likely you have a mix of co-workers that are –‘s and +’s.  You probably can’t go around and fire anyone you consider to be a -, but you can work on limiting those relationships too.  You don’t need to go to lunch with them, take breaks with them, or idly chit chat about the weekend with them if you feel that impacts you negatively.  Sure, as you pull back from those –‘s you may meet some resistance.  Remind yourself that you’re creating a better space for yourself to grow, and those –‘s can go on being –‘s around someone else. 

I hope this helps you to identify those people near you that could use the boot!  Here are a few resources for some added reinforcement if you’re interested.  This can be a really hard practice, but I can attest first-hand to how great it feels to have a network of people that lift you up, and not weigh you down. 

Jack Canfield

http://jackcanfield.com/you-are-who-your-friends-are/

Podcast by Andrea Owen of Your Kickass Life – ‘How To Be An Amazing Friend + How To Manifest Your Tribe’

http://yourkickasslife.com/podcast/027

If you want any ideas from me on ways to meet people that are in alignment with what you’re looking for, just shoot me an email, I’d be happy to help you brainstorm! You can contact me at LevelUpCoaching1@gmail.com

 

 

Now Let's Get a Handle on That Inner Crazy

In my last two blog entries, I talked about things in our speech that we can pay attention to in an effort to change our mindsets.  Now we’re switching gears and will be talking about our thoughts.  We as humans have the blessing and curse of conscious thought – we can solve problems, generate ideas, analyze, and create actions plans with our thoughts.  We can also drive ourselves bat shit crazy with them! 

I am sure that all of us have an incident from our past where we let our train of thought completely derail and we escalated to a level of insanity from it.  In my past I have been certain that someone was in a car accident, arrested, having an orgy, you name it… I have a very vivid imagination which helped me fill in a blank with an absolutely unfounded, horrid, worst case scenario that absolutely didn’t happen.  I have dished out some of this crazy, and have also been on the receiving end of crazy, as recently as this week!  

In this entry I will share a strategy to help tame the mental beast. And you might not believe it, but it's simple. Probably the most simple thing I will dish out in the blog series.  It will make you stress less, help your relationships, and keep you off the crazy train.

This is seriously my favorite :)

 

Let's start the intervention!   When was the last time you jumped to a conclusion, and then later found out you were wrong?  I’ll let you marinate on that for a second.  This is important. 

Got it?  It’s very possible that this happened recently to you, as it is a very natural tendency for us to interpret a situation based on our own personal experiences.  We all think that we are exceptionally smart and are better than Dr. Phil as interpreting situations whether they involve body language, use of emoticons in text messages, or lack of communication from someone. 

Come on Dr. Phil, you know it's not polite to point.

 

A great example of this is mentioned in Stephen Covey’s ‘7 Habits of Highly Effective People’.  He talks about being on a subway, and a man and his two children board.  The man sits down and the children run around yelling, knocking things over, and are very disruptive.  Stephen looks at the man and says 'Sir, your children are really disturbing a lot of people. I wonder if you couldn't control them a little more?'  The man looks up at Stephen and says 'Oh, you're right. I guess I should do something about it. We just came from the hospital where their mother died about an hour ago. I don't know what to think, and I guess they don't know how to handle it either.'    Can you imagine?  It is SO easy to assume that he was just an inattentive father, it’s easy to assume the person who cut you off in traffic is just a prick, or that someone not inviting you to a party they’re throwing means they are angry with you.  The list can go on and on. 

So instead of inventing a story to help draw a conclusion, what to do you? 

ASK.

It’s that simple.  ASK.  Doesn’t that sound simple?  I started really challenging myself to do this a few weeks ago and let me tell you – it makes things so simple!   You no longer need to expend so much energy imaging horrible scenarios, worrying, inventing situations that have no basis on reality – you just ask.  You don't sit there and tell yourself a 'story' that whatever is going on is about you.  (He's mad at me. She doesn't care about me anymore.  I must have done something wrong...) Newsflash - it's almost NEVER about you, but you don't know if you don't ASK.

A friend is having a birthday party and you didn’t get an invite yet, so ask them about it.  A co-worker seems irritated, instead of assuming you did something wrong, you ask them if they’re okay or want to talk.  You’re in a new relationship and you hadn’t heard from the person yet today – instead of assuming they lost interest, ask them how their day is going. Just ask!  It’s seriously that easy. 

I had a good friend in high school.  We lost touch for a few years after graduation, but then re-connected.  We were catching up and I said I wondered why we lost touch for so long.  He then told me that when I was back in my hometown for graduation of a younger friend, he was there and I allegedly looked at him and gave him a dirty look.  For a few years he was convinced that I didn't like him and didn't want to talk to him because of the 'look'.  I don't remember seeing him there, and for all I know I just had resting bitch face because it was so hot in there.  All he had to do was ask.

We all have times that we turn into a modern day Ernest Hemingway and craft these elaborate, yet completely off base stories in our head to fill in blanks in our lives, when all we need to do is ask a question.  Isn't that amazing?  It's seriously the shit to start doing this.  You may even start to laugh at yourself when you begin falling down the rabbit hole of story telling and initially thinking it's truth, until you ask yourself - can I prove this to be right?  Can I even know if this is accurate?  Probably not.  Let Jodi Picoult craft the stories, you just ask the question and enjoy your new found inner peace. 

 

I Can't and I Wish as Jumping Off Points

Thanks for joining me in my second piece in my series on how to Level Up Your Mindset!  If you didn't see my previous post called Can't, Have To, and Should. Why They're Stopping You, be sure to check it out. 

Last Monday I talked about Can't, Have To, and Should.  Today we're revisiting our old nemesis 'can't', but in a different light.  We'll also be talking about his close cousin 'I wish'.  If you took my advice from last week and paid attention to when you said that you can't do something, I'm sure a lot of those had to do with things people asked you to do. 

'Sorry Jessica, I can't meet you for coffee.  I have a zillion errands to run and need to pick up the kids from practice by 5:30.'

or

'I'm sorry Jim, I can't make our 2:00 meeting because I have a 1:30 appointment that just came up, can we reschedule?'

When really, we know that these mean:

'I'm sorry Jessica, I appreciate your offer to grab coffee, but it's important to me that I get my to-do list done since tomorrow is my only day off.  Can we find another time?

and

'I'm sorry Jim, I scheduled a very important appointment for 1:30 which I know will run longer than 30 minutes.  Can we move our 2:00 meeting to tomorrow?' 

We know we have choice in our days and what we do with them, and we choose to do those things which we have the most value around.  OR, maybe you're going through the motion filling your days with what you think you should be doing. 

Can't also comes up in another form, a very self-limiting form, and generally shows up when talking about something outside your comfort zone, or outside what you at this moment consider possible. 

I can't run a marathon.
I can't speak in front of 100 people.
I can't write a book.
I can't take a vacation alone.
I can't learn Italian.
I can't do a handstand.
I can't open my own business.
I can't get my pilot's license.
I can't learn how to ride a unicycle while playing a kazoo and juggling koosh balls. 

You get the idea. 

I hear things like this all the time, and yes, I even catch myself saying things like this sometimes.  The close cousin off this kind of can't is 'I wish'. 

I wish I could run a marathon
I wish I could speak in front of 100 people....

'I wish' also fits in front of all the 'I can't' statements, and it all means the same thing.  For some reason we don't believe we're strong enough/smart enough/talented enough/good enough/dynamic enough/confident enough to do that thing which we think we can't do.  Somewhere along the line we took our dreams we had as kids and stuffed them away in a drawer, and instead of being our dreams, they became our 'I can't' or 'I wish' drawer.  Someone probably told you that you couldn't do something, you got a bad grade on a test, or for me I was told I didn't have big enough hands to play the saxophone, so I told myself that I can't play it from then on.  Once we believe there's one thing we can't do, it's natural to think there's lots of other things we can't do.  When we doubt ourselves and our abilities, we play it safe.  We play small.  We may inch outside our comfort zone from time to time, but ' I can't' and 'I wish' keep us thinking in a small framework. 

From identifying certain limiting words in your speech last week, it should be more natural to notice now when you say 'I can't', and identify it - are you saying you can't because you're choosing to do something else, or are you saying you can't because you don't believe you can do it? 

I wrote a post recently that describes this process for me, and how I decided to take my dream trip to Italy.  I noticed that I said that 'I can't go to Italy, but I wish I could.'  I stopped in my tracks and questioned why I thought that (thank you for your coaching Jesse Elder - I now always notice when I say this!).  That's when I had a light bulb go off - 'why can't I go to Italy?... I'm going to Italy!' It was literally a 3 minute shift that was intensely powerful.  Now I'm planning my dream trip, and just booked my flight this weekend!



These times we say 'I can't' and 'I wish' are often things we don't let ourselves dream about.  So here's you task for this week.  In addition to noticing your use of 'can't' and 'I wish', I want you to make a list.  A big, fat, long, awesome list of goals and dreams.  (They are really one in the same, are they not?)  Shoot for 100, and don't leave anything unsaid.  Think big, allow yourself to DREAM, there are no limitations on what you can dream about, what you want, and what kind of goals you want to write on here.  This is your time to let these things flow and take up space on a piece of paper.  100 is a lot, so it's a great idea to carry this list around with you for a week.  You will find that once you allow yourself to start thinking of all that is really possible, you will have more and more things surface. 

I did this exercise a while back (I'm still adding to my list), and the very first thing I wrote down was that I want to do a Ted Talk someday. A TED TALK!  Anyone who knows me knows that I have had a debilitating fear of public speaking for years and years.  I joined Toastmasters 13 months ago and it has changed my life.  Now I want to do a Ted Talk someday! It's amazing what happens when you stop saying you can't, and believe that you can. 

Enjoy this task, enjoy letting yourself think about what you really want.  There's no judgment about any of the things you put on your list.  You are allowed to want anything you want - it's YOURS.  Share it with other people, or keep it just for you for now.  That's your choice.  Doing this and challenging yourself to think this way is a guaranteed way to bring vitality and enthusiasm into your life, it's a total game changer.  Get ready for the flow of energy, it's awesome. 

 

Can't, Have To, and Should. How They're Stopping You.

Welcome to my first blog series!  As I mentioned in my last entry, I will be sharing with you a handful of different insights, exercises, and ideas about how to start changing your mindset.  So let's start by thinking about a few things.

Are you a glass half full, or glass half empty kind of person?  (would your closest friends agree with your answer?)

When someone close to you gets a promotion/gets engaged/has a baby/buys their dream car, are you happy for them, or are you jealous?

Do you often find yourself getting frustrated and upset about things beyond your control - like traffic, what other people are doing, the weather, taxes...?  Or do you focus most of your attention on things you have influence over, like how you spend your time, taking care of your health, doing your best at work, actively listening to friends that are going through a rough time?

These are the kinds of things I want you to think about as you read through this series.  Self-reflection is a valuable tool, and also asking for input from people that you trust can help as well.  After all, had my previous husband not called me out for being negative, I am sure that I wouldn't be where I am now!  We all have blind spots in certain areas, and my past negativity was one of mine.  So let's get started!

There are a million sayings out there that all basically say that thoughts become words, words become actions, actions become habits...  which I totally agree with.  With this series though, I am starting with a focus on words.  If you are someone that has never taken time to examine your thoughts, it can be a daunting exercise to start.  We as humans are said to have anywhere from 50,000 - 70,000 thoughts a day! So in an effort to make this an easy start for you, I want us to examine our speech. It comes out of our mouth so it is easy to identify, and if you leverage some people close to you to help you in this process, it's easier to bring awareness to your choice of words.

I'll frame this up first - if there's one thing that I know, it's that we have an incredible amount of power and choice in our lives.  (I'm sure many of you right now are thinking 'maybe Tracey does, but I don't! I have to get the kids off to school, go to work, grocery shop, take care of so and so....I'm at the mercy of all these things in my day!'  I get it - I really do, just hang with me here.)  Everything that we do in a day is truly a choice.  We always have a choice, and there's a consequence for everything. 

For example, I chose to get up at 5am today, walk my dog, and go to work.  I could have stayed in bed, let my dog stay in his crate, and not showed up for work. That would have been a series of choices I could have made.  I would have gotten more sleep, had to clean up a mess in Nixon's crate, been reprimanded at work, and lost some respect from my staff.  No one made me get up, walk Nixon, or go to work.  I chose to, because I don't want to experience the negative consequences of not doing those things. 

Now think about some things that feel like obligations in your life - having a fancy Pinterest style cake for your kid's birthday party? Cleaning the house top to bottom before company comes over?  Attending all your children's soccer games/swim meets/events?  Cleaning up after your spouse?  Going day after day to a job you can't stand?  As you go through your day, make a list of things that feel like obligations - write it down, or keep in in your head, whatever you prefer. 

Then take a look at these - why do you do them?  What are the consequences for not doing them? Do you spend hours making a perfect Pinterest cake because your kid really wants it?  Or because some other kid's mom made one that was awesome so you feel like you have to?  Or is there part of you that really enjoys the process? 

I seriously can't believe this is a cake...

Do you begrudgingly pick up after your spouse every day because you know you like the house a certain way? Or you don't like that it will take him/her three days to pick their clothes up and you'd rather have it done right now?  Or because you hope at some point they will appreciate it? Or do you do it because you have always done it? 

Start to question why you do these things.  Notice when you say you have to do something, and also when you say you can't do something.  'Have to' and 'can't' are extremely passive words - they insinuate that you have no choice in the matter.  And as I mentioned earlier, we always have choice.  Always. 

As you become aware of your have to's and can't's, I want you to start replacing them with 'choose to' and 'choose not to'.  It's a small seeming change, but let me tell you - it's empowering to start wording things as being within your control.  It can be easy to say you can't meet a friend for coffee on Saturday, but why can't you?  It's because you're choosing to do something else, whatever it may be. 

Now let's get to the close relative of 'have to' and 'can't' - my personal enemy, 'should'.  Should also insinuates obligation, and in my opinion, it almost always something we don't authentically want to do. 

You should return the call of a friend that's draining to you and you've been putting it off.

You should go to a party on Saturday night even though all you want to do is read a book and go to bed early.

You should get married by 27, have a house by 29, and your first baby at 31...

You get the idea.  Where do all these 'shoulds' come from??  That's something to ask yourself. In my personal experiences, it generally comes from outside pressures, and wanting to please people.

I should apologize to so-and-so to make him feel better and avoid this blowing up into a big argument.

I should spend time with this old friend, even though being around her feels exhausting.  I don't want her to feel bad.

I should always have my nails perfectly painted and look put together since I'm a single woman in her 30's and Lord knows you become sad and pathetic if you're single and in your 40's.

Really, it's all bullshit, right? 

I don't need to apologize to keep things smooth because my feelings are valid as is. 

I don't need to spend time with an exhausting person, because it's unhealthy for me.

I don't need to look 'perfect' all the time to land a man, because I'm happy with the way my life is, and choose not to abide by advice given in a 1950's Women's Day magazine. 

So my friends, I invite you to start this process of examining your language, and really thinking about it.  It's liberating as hell to start to shift these three seemingly small things.  Put them on your radar - Have To, Can't, and Should.  These three things keep you stuck in a place of feeling like you don't have choice, when in reality you have an abundance of choice that you exercise every minute of every day.  Those words rob you of knowing that!

Once you start recognizing all things around you as choices, and why you choose them, your time is yours!  Feel free to email me with any thoughts, questions, comments, issues, anything at all.  I truly am so passionate about this concept and employing it in your life, I hops this inspires even just a few people to really think about this and try it out.  LevelUpCoaching1@gmail.com

Enjoy the start of your journey my friends - it's the beginning of something pretty amazing!

Next Monday we will dive more into our words, and identify some self-limiting phrases that creep into our vocabulary, and how to get rid of them!

Upcoming Blog Series - Level Up Your Midset!

                Every once in a while we experience something that really impacts us – we realize something about ourselves that had previously been a blind spot, we make a connection we previously didn’t see, or maybe you’re even inspired to challenge a way of thinking – it’s a big moment!  I had a moment like this 7 years ago.  I was married at the time, and was talking to my then husband about something.  I don’t remember what it was that I was talking about, but he got an incredibly flustered look on his face and loudly said ‘God, you’re so negative!’  I stopped in my tracks.  Me? Negative?  Was I really?  I was stunned.  That was my defining moment that started me on my journey to start examining my words, my thoughts, and my actions. 

                Now fast forward to Wednesday of this week.  I was finishing up a seminar I took at the American Management Association in Chicago, and afterwards my instructor pulled me aside to thank me.  He praised my energy I brought to the class and my positivity.  I of course appreciated his compliment and took pride in knowing that I had truly been my authentic self in the seminar.  While walking back to my car to head home I thought back to my impactful moment seven years ago, and how different I am today.  Over the course of the last seven years I have had a constant drive to improve myself, change the way I think, and be the best version of myself that I can be.  It makes me so excited and inspired to think about that, I want to share it with everyone! But helping people to change their thinking?  How do I do that??   That’s a BIG challenge and it’s taken me seven years and a lot of character building situations to get to where I am right now. 

                After some thinking on this topic, and knowing my core purpose to help people see they’re capable of more than they thought they were, I had an idea.  An idea I was really EXCITED about.  I will publish a blog series starting this coming week that addresses changing your mindset, and how to do it, all broken up in logical, smaller pieces.  So far it’s looking to be 7 entries, and its focus will be in three parts – Speech, Thoughts, and Action.  Keep your eyes open for my first installment “Can’t, Have To and Should. How They’re Stopping You”.   I hope you enjoy this upcoming series from me on how to Level Up Your Thinking – I have done this work firsthand and am really looking forward to sharing the experience.  Changing your way of thinking sounds huge, I know, but all big changes started with a small step!  Even if you take just one aspect of what I share with you - applying that one change may seem small now, but it changes your trajectory. The compound effect of a small change every day accumulates into something significant! 

                Thanks for taking the time to read this, and hopefully you will be inspired by what I share.  After all, we all have the power to be a little happier, a little more loving, a little more giving, and navigate our daily lives with a little more grace.  Look for my first installment on Monday! J