I Can't and I Wish as Jumping Off Points

Thanks for joining me in my second piece in my series on how to Level Up Your Mindset!  If you didn't see my previous post called Can't, Have To, and Should. Why They're Stopping You, be sure to check it out. 

Last Monday I talked about Can't, Have To, and Should.  Today we're revisiting our old nemesis 'can't', but in a different light.  We'll also be talking about his close cousin 'I wish'.  If you took my advice from last week and paid attention to when you said that you can't do something, I'm sure a lot of those had to do with things people asked you to do. 

'Sorry Jessica, I can't meet you for coffee.  I have a zillion errands to run and need to pick up the kids from practice by 5:30.'

or

'I'm sorry Jim, I can't make our 2:00 meeting because I have a 1:30 appointment that just came up, can we reschedule?'

When really, we know that these mean:

'I'm sorry Jessica, I appreciate your offer to grab coffee, but it's important to me that I get my to-do list done since tomorrow is my only day off.  Can we find another time?

and

'I'm sorry Jim, I scheduled a very important appointment for 1:30 which I know will run longer than 30 minutes.  Can we move our 2:00 meeting to tomorrow?' 

We know we have choice in our days and what we do with them, and we choose to do those things which we have the most value around.  OR, maybe you're going through the motion filling your days with what you think you should be doing. 

Can't also comes up in another form, a very self-limiting form, and generally shows up when talking about something outside your comfort zone, or outside what you at this moment consider possible. 

I can't run a marathon.
I can't speak in front of 100 people.
I can't write a book.
I can't take a vacation alone.
I can't learn Italian.
I can't do a handstand.
I can't open my own business.
I can't get my pilot's license.
I can't learn how to ride a unicycle while playing a kazoo and juggling koosh balls. 

You get the idea. 

I hear things like this all the time, and yes, I even catch myself saying things like this sometimes.  The close cousin off this kind of can't is 'I wish'. 

I wish I could run a marathon
I wish I could speak in front of 100 people....

'I wish' also fits in front of all the 'I can't' statements, and it all means the same thing.  For some reason we don't believe we're strong enough/smart enough/talented enough/good enough/dynamic enough/confident enough to do that thing which we think we can't do.  Somewhere along the line we took our dreams we had as kids and stuffed them away in a drawer, and instead of being our dreams, they became our 'I can't' or 'I wish' drawer.  Someone probably told you that you couldn't do something, you got a bad grade on a test, or for me I was told I didn't have big enough hands to play the saxophone, so I told myself that I can't play it from then on.  Once we believe there's one thing we can't do, it's natural to think there's lots of other things we can't do.  When we doubt ourselves and our abilities, we play it safe.  We play small.  We may inch outside our comfort zone from time to time, but ' I can't' and 'I wish' keep us thinking in a small framework. 

From identifying certain limiting words in your speech last week, it should be more natural to notice now when you say 'I can't', and identify it - are you saying you can't because you're choosing to do something else, or are you saying you can't because you don't believe you can do it? 

I wrote a post recently that describes this process for me, and how I decided to take my dream trip to Italy.  I noticed that I said that 'I can't go to Italy, but I wish I could.'  I stopped in my tracks and questioned why I thought that (thank you for your coaching Jesse Elder - I now always notice when I say this!).  That's when I had a light bulb go off - 'why can't I go to Italy?... I'm going to Italy!' It was literally a 3 minute shift that was intensely powerful.  Now I'm planning my dream trip, and just booked my flight this weekend!



These times we say 'I can't' and 'I wish' are often things we don't let ourselves dream about.  So here's you task for this week.  In addition to noticing your use of 'can't' and 'I wish', I want you to make a list.  A big, fat, long, awesome list of goals and dreams.  (They are really one in the same, are they not?)  Shoot for 100, and don't leave anything unsaid.  Think big, allow yourself to DREAM, there are no limitations on what you can dream about, what you want, and what kind of goals you want to write on here.  This is your time to let these things flow and take up space on a piece of paper.  100 is a lot, so it's a great idea to carry this list around with you for a week.  You will find that once you allow yourself to start thinking of all that is really possible, you will have more and more things surface. 

I did this exercise a while back (I'm still adding to my list), and the very first thing I wrote down was that I want to do a Ted Talk someday. A TED TALK!  Anyone who knows me knows that I have had a debilitating fear of public speaking for years and years.  I joined Toastmasters 13 months ago and it has changed my life.  Now I want to do a Ted Talk someday! It's amazing what happens when you stop saying you can't, and believe that you can. 

Enjoy this task, enjoy letting yourself think about what you really want.  There's no judgment about any of the things you put on your list.  You are allowed to want anything you want - it's YOURS.  Share it with other people, or keep it just for you for now.  That's your choice.  Doing this and challenging yourself to think this way is a guaranteed way to bring vitality and enthusiasm into your life, it's a total game changer.  Get ready for the flow of energy, it's awesome. 

 

Can't, Have To, and Should. How They're Stopping You.

Welcome to my first blog series!  As I mentioned in my last entry, I will be sharing with you a handful of different insights, exercises, and ideas about how to start changing your mindset.  So let's start by thinking about a few things.

Are you a glass half full, or glass half empty kind of person?  (would your closest friends agree with your answer?)

When someone close to you gets a promotion/gets engaged/has a baby/buys their dream car, are you happy for them, or are you jealous?

Do you often find yourself getting frustrated and upset about things beyond your control - like traffic, what other people are doing, the weather, taxes...?  Or do you focus most of your attention on things you have influence over, like how you spend your time, taking care of your health, doing your best at work, actively listening to friends that are going through a rough time?

These are the kinds of things I want you to think about as you read through this series.  Self-reflection is a valuable tool, and also asking for input from people that you trust can help as well.  After all, had my previous husband not called me out for being negative, I am sure that I wouldn't be where I am now!  We all have blind spots in certain areas, and my past negativity was one of mine.  So let's get started!

There are a million sayings out there that all basically say that thoughts become words, words become actions, actions become habits...  which I totally agree with.  With this series though, I am starting with a focus on words.  If you are someone that has never taken time to examine your thoughts, it can be a daunting exercise to start.  We as humans are said to have anywhere from 50,000 - 70,000 thoughts a day! So in an effort to make this an easy start for you, I want us to examine our speech. It comes out of our mouth so it is easy to identify, and if you leverage some people close to you to help you in this process, it's easier to bring awareness to your choice of words.

I'll frame this up first - if there's one thing that I know, it's that we have an incredible amount of power and choice in our lives.  (I'm sure many of you right now are thinking 'maybe Tracey does, but I don't! I have to get the kids off to school, go to work, grocery shop, take care of so and so....I'm at the mercy of all these things in my day!'  I get it - I really do, just hang with me here.)  Everything that we do in a day is truly a choice.  We always have a choice, and there's a consequence for everything. 

For example, I chose to get up at 5am today, walk my dog, and go to work.  I could have stayed in bed, let my dog stay in his crate, and not showed up for work. That would have been a series of choices I could have made.  I would have gotten more sleep, had to clean up a mess in Nixon's crate, been reprimanded at work, and lost some respect from my staff.  No one made me get up, walk Nixon, or go to work.  I chose to, because I don't want to experience the negative consequences of not doing those things. 

Now think about some things that feel like obligations in your life - having a fancy Pinterest style cake for your kid's birthday party? Cleaning the house top to bottom before company comes over?  Attending all your children's soccer games/swim meets/events?  Cleaning up after your spouse?  Going day after day to a job you can't stand?  As you go through your day, make a list of things that feel like obligations - write it down, or keep in in your head, whatever you prefer. 

Then take a look at these - why do you do them?  What are the consequences for not doing them? Do you spend hours making a perfect Pinterest cake because your kid really wants it?  Or because some other kid's mom made one that was awesome so you feel like you have to?  Or is there part of you that really enjoys the process? 

I seriously can't believe this is a cake...

Do you begrudgingly pick up after your spouse every day because you know you like the house a certain way? Or you don't like that it will take him/her three days to pick their clothes up and you'd rather have it done right now?  Or because you hope at some point they will appreciate it? Or do you do it because you have always done it? 

Start to question why you do these things.  Notice when you say you have to do something, and also when you say you can't do something.  'Have to' and 'can't' are extremely passive words - they insinuate that you have no choice in the matter.  And as I mentioned earlier, we always have choice.  Always. 

As you become aware of your have to's and can't's, I want you to start replacing them with 'choose to' and 'choose not to'.  It's a small seeming change, but let me tell you - it's empowering to start wording things as being within your control.  It can be easy to say you can't meet a friend for coffee on Saturday, but why can't you?  It's because you're choosing to do something else, whatever it may be. 

Now let's get to the close relative of 'have to' and 'can't' - my personal enemy, 'should'.  Should also insinuates obligation, and in my opinion, it almost always something we don't authentically want to do. 

You should return the call of a friend that's draining to you and you've been putting it off.

You should go to a party on Saturday night even though all you want to do is read a book and go to bed early.

You should get married by 27, have a house by 29, and your first baby at 31...

You get the idea.  Where do all these 'shoulds' come from??  That's something to ask yourself. In my personal experiences, it generally comes from outside pressures, and wanting to please people.

I should apologize to so-and-so to make him feel better and avoid this blowing up into a big argument.

I should spend time with this old friend, even though being around her feels exhausting.  I don't want her to feel bad.

I should always have my nails perfectly painted and look put together since I'm a single woman in her 30's and Lord knows you become sad and pathetic if you're single and in your 40's.

Really, it's all bullshit, right? 

I don't need to apologize to keep things smooth because my feelings are valid as is. 

I don't need to spend time with an exhausting person, because it's unhealthy for me.

I don't need to look 'perfect' all the time to land a man, because I'm happy with the way my life is, and choose not to abide by advice given in a 1950's Women's Day magazine. 

So my friends, I invite you to start this process of examining your language, and really thinking about it.  It's liberating as hell to start to shift these three seemingly small things.  Put them on your radar - Have To, Can't, and Should.  These three things keep you stuck in a place of feeling like you don't have choice, when in reality you have an abundance of choice that you exercise every minute of every day.  Those words rob you of knowing that!

Once you start recognizing all things around you as choices, and why you choose them, your time is yours!  Feel free to email me with any thoughts, questions, comments, issues, anything at all.  I truly am so passionate about this concept and employing it in your life, I hops this inspires even just a few people to really think about this and try it out.  LevelUpCoaching1@gmail.com

Enjoy the start of your journey my friends - it's the beginning of something pretty amazing!

Next Monday we will dive more into our words, and identify some self-limiting phrases that creep into our vocabulary, and how to get rid of them!