The Gift of Measuring Back

Today I had a moment where I was home for lunch walking my dog and I was ELATED.   I was basking in the beautiful day, walking in my neighborhood that is gorgeous, feeling excited about a great meeting I just had at work that is an amazing opportunity for my writing, enjoying my lack of financial stress, and reveling in the happiness that I felt independent of outside circumstances. 

I mean, I felt so happy inside and out – I think of that scene from Singin’ in the Rain! Now I wasn’t dancing, but I was so full of appreciation for where my life is at and all the things that are going my way! 

Then of course that little voice pops up in the back of my head – ‘how is all this good stuff happening for you right now?  You don’t want to celebrate too much because people will potentially be jealous or think it was all luck and not your hard work that got you here.’ 

Thankfully those little voices are easier for me to keep at bay than they used to be.  All I had to do was ‘measure back’.  I often think back to where I was at 6 months ago, 1 year ago, 5 years ago – and take an inventory of where I was then compared to where I’m at now. 

So let’s take that trip back in time.  (Be forewarned, it’s not pretty.)  6 months ago it was December 9^th. 

I was 4 days into getting to know my new dog.   

I was 22 days into grieving the loss of my beloved dog Dresden, who had a horrible death due to an aggressive tumor.

Gut wrenching.

And I was less than two months into grieving the loss of a relationship that I fully felt was ‘the one’.

It wasn’t good.  At all.

I recently came across a journal entry from mid-January where I was celebrating having my first day without crying in a few months, so I know on December 9^th I was in the thick of all that. 

Now, this topic isn’t glamorous.  This isn’t the kind of throwback that we typically share on Facebook on Thursdays.  We’re much more apt to highlight the good times, and our own personal highlight reel.  Fuck the highlight reel.  It may be more socially acceptable, but this is the stuff that GROWTH is made of.  The nasty, gritty, knock you on your ass stuff. 

People often keep these times quiet and only share with a few close friends, but it’s important for me to acknowledge that awful time, while celebrating the current. 

I know I wouldn’t be in this position if it wasn’t for the dark end of 2014.  It made me set goals, albeit small ones.  Those goals started out as ‘keep yourself together at work today’, or ‘send a nice card to someone who doesn’t expect it’.  They slowly grew as I grew.

Measuring back allows you to see how you've grown, what choices you made then that put you where you are now.  Measuring back to a time where I was so low that it felt like a survival skill to set small goals for each day, allows for me to really appreciate every facet of my world right now.  The people in it, the things on my calendar, my health, my everything. 

 

Now Let's Get a Handle on That Inner Crazy

In my last two blog entries, I talked about things in our speech that we can pay attention to in an effort to change our mindsets.  Now we’re switching gears and will be talking about our thoughts.  We as humans have the blessing and curse of conscious thought – we can solve problems, generate ideas, analyze, and create actions plans with our thoughts.  We can also drive ourselves bat shit crazy with them! 

I am sure that all of us have an incident from our past where we let our train of thought completely derail and we escalated to a level of insanity from it.  In my past I have been certain that someone was in a car accident, arrested, having an orgy, you name it… I have a very vivid imagination which helped me fill in a blank with an absolutely unfounded, horrid, worst case scenario that absolutely didn’t happen.  I have dished out some of this crazy, and have also been on the receiving end of crazy, as recently as this week!  

In this entry I will share a strategy to help tame the mental beast. And you might not believe it, but it's simple. Probably the most simple thing I will dish out in the blog series.  It will make you stress less, help your relationships, and keep you off the crazy train.

This is seriously my favorite :)

 

Let's start the intervention!   When was the last time you jumped to a conclusion, and then later found out you were wrong?  I’ll let you marinate on that for a second.  This is important. 

Got it?  It’s very possible that this happened recently to you, as it is a very natural tendency for us to interpret a situation based on our own personal experiences.  We all think that we are exceptionally smart and are better than Dr. Phil as interpreting situations whether they involve body language, use of emoticons in text messages, or lack of communication from someone. 

Come on Dr. Phil, you know it's not polite to point.

 

A great example of this is mentioned in Stephen Covey’s ‘7 Habits of Highly Effective People’.  He talks about being on a subway, and a man and his two children board.  The man sits down and the children run around yelling, knocking things over, and are very disruptive.  Stephen looks at the man and says 'Sir, your children are really disturbing a lot of people. I wonder if you couldn't control them a little more?'  The man looks up at Stephen and says 'Oh, you're right. I guess I should do something about it. We just came from the hospital where their mother died about an hour ago. I don't know what to think, and I guess they don't know how to handle it either.'    Can you imagine?  It is SO easy to assume that he was just an inattentive father, it’s easy to assume the person who cut you off in traffic is just a prick, or that someone not inviting you to a party they’re throwing means they are angry with you.  The list can go on and on. 

So instead of inventing a story to help draw a conclusion, what to do you? 

ASK.

It’s that simple.  ASK.  Doesn’t that sound simple?  I started really challenging myself to do this a few weeks ago and let me tell you – it makes things so simple!   You no longer need to expend so much energy imaging horrible scenarios, worrying, inventing situations that have no basis on reality – you just ask.  You don't sit there and tell yourself a 'story' that whatever is going on is about you.  (He's mad at me. She doesn't care about me anymore.  I must have done something wrong...) Newsflash - it's almost NEVER about you, but you don't know if you don't ASK.

A friend is having a birthday party and you didn’t get an invite yet, so ask them about it.  A co-worker seems irritated, instead of assuming you did something wrong, you ask them if they’re okay or want to talk.  You’re in a new relationship and you hadn’t heard from the person yet today – instead of assuming they lost interest, ask them how their day is going. Just ask!  It’s seriously that easy. 

I had a good friend in high school.  We lost touch for a few years after graduation, but then re-connected.  We were catching up and I said I wondered why we lost touch for so long.  He then told me that when I was back in my hometown for graduation of a younger friend, he was there and I allegedly looked at him and gave him a dirty look.  For a few years he was convinced that I didn't like him and didn't want to talk to him because of the 'look'.  I don't remember seeing him there, and for all I know I just had resting bitch face because it was so hot in there.  All he had to do was ask.

We all have times that we turn into a modern day Ernest Hemingway and craft these elaborate, yet completely off base stories in our head to fill in blanks in our lives, when all we need to do is ask a question.  Isn't that amazing?  It's seriously the shit to start doing this.  You may even start to laugh at yourself when you begin falling down the rabbit hole of story telling and initially thinking it's truth, until you ask yourself - can I prove this to be right?  Can I even know if this is accurate?  Probably not.  Let Jodi Picoult craft the stories, you just ask the question and enjoy your new found inner peace. 

 

Can't, Have To, and Should. How They're Stopping You.

Welcome to my first blog series!  As I mentioned in my last entry, I will be sharing with you a handful of different insights, exercises, and ideas about how to start changing your mindset.  So let's start by thinking about a few things.

Are you a glass half full, or glass half empty kind of person?  (would your closest friends agree with your answer?)

When someone close to you gets a promotion/gets engaged/has a baby/buys their dream car, are you happy for them, or are you jealous?

Do you often find yourself getting frustrated and upset about things beyond your control - like traffic, what other people are doing, the weather, taxes...?  Or do you focus most of your attention on things you have influence over, like how you spend your time, taking care of your health, doing your best at work, actively listening to friends that are going through a rough time?

These are the kinds of things I want you to think about as you read through this series.  Self-reflection is a valuable tool, and also asking for input from people that you trust can help as well.  After all, had my previous husband not called me out for being negative, I am sure that I wouldn't be where I am now!  We all have blind spots in certain areas, and my past negativity was one of mine.  So let's get started!

There are a million sayings out there that all basically say that thoughts become words, words become actions, actions become habits...  which I totally agree with.  With this series though, I am starting with a focus on words.  If you are someone that has never taken time to examine your thoughts, it can be a daunting exercise to start.  We as humans are said to have anywhere from 50,000 - 70,000 thoughts a day! So in an effort to make this an easy start for you, I want us to examine our speech. It comes out of our mouth so it is easy to identify, and if you leverage some people close to you to help you in this process, it's easier to bring awareness to your choice of words.

I'll frame this up first - if there's one thing that I know, it's that we have an incredible amount of power and choice in our lives.  (I'm sure many of you right now are thinking 'maybe Tracey does, but I don't! I have to get the kids off to school, go to work, grocery shop, take care of so and so....I'm at the mercy of all these things in my day!'  I get it - I really do, just hang with me here.)  Everything that we do in a day is truly a choice.  We always have a choice, and there's a consequence for everything. 

For example, I chose to get up at 5am today, walk my dog, and go to work.  I could have stayed in bed, let my dog stay in his crate, and not showed up for work. That would have been a series of choices I could have made.  I would have gotten more sleep, had to clean up a mess in Nixon's crate, been reprimanded at work, and lost some respect from my staff.  No one made me get up, walk Nixon, or go to work.  I chose to, because I don't want to experience the negative consequences of not doing those things. 

Now think about some things that feel like obligations in your life - having a fancy Pinterest style cake for your kid's birthday party? Cleaning the house top to bottom before company comes over?  Attending all your children's soccer games/swim meets/events?  Cleaning up after your spouse?  Going day after day to a job you can't stand?  As you go through your day, make a list of things that feel like obligations - write it down, or keep in in your head, whatever you prefer. 

Then take a look at these - why do you do them?  What are the consequences for not doing them? Do you spend hours making a perfect Pinterest cake because your kid really wants it?  Or because some other kid's mom made one that was awesome so you feel like you have to?  Or is there part of you that really enjoys the process? 

I seriously can't believe this is a cake...

Do you begrudgingly pick up after your spouse every day because you know you like the house a certain way? Or you don't like that it will take him/her three days to pick their clothes up and you'd rather have it done right now?  Or because you hope at some point they will appreciate it? Or do you do it because you have always done it? 

Start to question why you do these things.  Notice when you say you have to do something, and also when you say you can't do something.  'Have to' and 'can't' are extremely passive words - they insinuate that you have no choice in the matter.  And as I mentioned earlier, we always have choice.  Always. 

As you become aware of your have to's and can't's, I want you to start replacing them with 'choose to' and 'choose not to'.  It's a small seeming change, but let me tell you - it's empowering to start wording things as being within your control.  It can be easy to say you can't meet a friend for coffee on Saturday, but why can't you?  It's because you're choosing to do something else, whatever it may be. 

Now let's get to the close relative of 'have to' and 'can't' - my personal enemy, 'should'.  Should also insinuates obligation, and in my opinion, it almost always something we don't authentically want to do. 

You should return the call of a friend that's draining to you and you've been putting it off.

You should go to a party on Saturday night even though all you want to do is read a book and go to bed early.

You should get married by 27, have a house by 29, and your first baby at 31...

You get the idea.  Where do all these 'shoulds' come from??  That's something to ask yourself. In my personal experiences, it generally comes from outside pressures, and wanting to please people.

I should apologize to so-and-so to make him feel better and avoid this blowing up into a big argument.

I should spend time with this old friend, even though being around her feels exhausting.  I don't want her to feel bad.

I should always have my nails perfectly painted and look put together since I'm a single woman in her 30's and Lord knows you become sad and pathetic if you're single and in your 40's.

Really, it's all bullshit, right? 

I don't need to apologize to keep things smooth because my feelings are valid as is. 

I don't need to spend time with an exhausting person, because it's unhealthy for me.

I don't need to look 'perfect' all the time to land a man, because I'm happy with the way my life is, and choose not to abide by advice given in a 1950's Women's Day magazine. 

So my friends, I invite you to start this process of examining your language, and really thinking about it.  It's liberating as hell to start to shift these three seemingly small things.  Put them on your radar - Have To, Can't, and Should.  These three things keep you stuck in a place of feeling like you don't have choice, when in reality you have an abundance of choice that you exercise every minute of every day.  Those words rob you of knowing that!

Once you start recognizing all things around you as choices, and why you choose them, your time is yours!  Feel free to email me with any thoughts, questions, comments, issues, anything at all.  I truly am so passionate about this concept and employing it in your life, I hops this inspires even just a few people to really think about this and try it out.  LevelUpCoaching1@gmail.com

Enjoy the start of your journey my friends - it's the beginning of something pretty amazing!

Next Monday we will dive more into our words, and identify some self-limiting phrases that creep into our vocabulary, and how to get rid of them!