Monday, March 31, 2014

Brain Training

There's a commonly repeated quote about ultra running that is '90% of running an ultra is mental, and the other 10% is mental.'  I totally agree with that.  Sure, logging miles, running hills, fueling properly, and listening to your body are all important elements, but if you get to the line on race day and you aren't sure can do it, and you're not focused - you are probably about to endure a running nightmare. 

I am really intrigued by how the brain works, and am fascinated with how powerful it really is.  To complement my physical training I have been doing since December, I felt that I needed some more refinement with my mental game.  I have spent a fair amount of time at a local Buddhist temple called Deer Park.  I first became interested after hearing the Dalai Lama speak back in ... 2008 I think it was.  Every now and then they host a day that they call the Day of Silence, or the Day of Meditation.  I went to a Day of Silence back in 2009 and found it to be extremely helpful in not just quieting my brain, but focusing for a really long period of time.  This past Saturday I went to a similar event. 
Deer Park - last summer
The schedule of the day was:
9:00 - 9:15 - overview of the day; begin silence. (yes, we weren't supposed to talk at all, except for during Q&A times.)
9:15-10:15 - teaching
10:15 - 10:45 - meditation
10:45 - 11 - break
11 - 11:30 - Q&A
11:30 - 12 walking meditation
12 - 12:45 - lunch (silent)
12:45 - 1:15 - walking meditation
1:15 - 2:15 - teaching
2:15 - 2:45 - meditation
2:45 - 3 - tea and cookies in the temple
3 - 3:30 - Q&A
3:30 - 3:45 - meditation
3:45 - 4:30 - closing

There were 60 people attending which I thought was a fantastic turnout, but it became apparent during the day that people were struggling to stay focused and invested.  Maybe around 15 or more people bailed as the day went on.  I did take a break during the afternoon teaching to take a walk outside and caught a 15 minute cat nap which did rejuvenate me.  During the afternoon I took the meditation time to really work on visualization for my race - I do this fairly often as I'm falling asleep, or when I'm on a run, but it felt good to sit there and really visualizing all the pieces of the 50k. 
Prayer flags behind Deer Park. So pretty!
I'm happy I took a whole day to sharpen my mental game and enjoy some quiet.  I have to admit, there's something pretty cool about a room full of people eating lunch at the same time and it's not filled with mindless chatter about people's jobs, their opinions, their complaints, or their questions.  You could just sit and be.  All you needed to do was exchange smiles and that was enough. 

After my day of silence and meditation I was ready to gather my thoughts for Sunday's 22 miler.  It was going to be my first time doing a long run in the morning, so I did my best to prepare.  I'm much more of an evening runner, so starting a run at 8am is not my idea of a good time.... but if I'm going to be ready for Saturday's marathon, and next month's 50k, I knew I needed to do at least one long run with the right food once. 

Things went pretty smoothly, and I took it easy to enjoy the scenery and just cover the miles - I didn't need to try and zip through them.  Temps warmed from the low 30's to almost 50 by the time I was done.  The paved trails were quiet to start - probably people sleeping in after celebrating the Badgers making it to the Final Four the night before!!  :)   But I had plenty of birds to listen to, saw almost 20 cranes enjoying the warm day, and loved not having to worry about snow and ice for the first time this year! 
See the two cranes??

I finished the run pretty strong.  I do feel like I'm not quite in the shape I'd like to be in, but I am recovering really quickly which isn't usually the case.  In looking forward to Saturday's marathon I'm just looking forward to finally having people around, and I don't have to carry all my water and food!  It should be a great way to end my training and kick off my taper.  My tight hips and calves in yoga class tonight reminded me that my three week taper will be a great opportunity to get some more classes in.  :)  
 


Monday, March 24, 2014

Shedding Light on the Dark


It’s easy to write about running or talk about running when it’s going well.  You want to celebrate your victories, share your new insights on the world, and disclose your happiness of a smooth, long run with perfect hydration, mental focus and strong legs.  It’s natural to want to share your happiness, but when you have a bobble, or worse, a meltdown, you want to keep it under wraps and not let anyone know. Well, I’m writing to do the opposite.  Shed light on the dark spots of training and as I like to say it, ‘put my chili out there.’  If I go through it, I’m willing to bet everyone else does too.  We just don’t shout it from the rooftops.

I would have to say that probably 95% of the time I’m mentally calm, focused, and have my ducks in a row. Not a whole lot rattles me (and generally not for long when it does), I maintain perspective on different events pretty well, and  do a good job at being mindful of the core facets of my life (work, training, coaching, health, relationships).  And then there’s a day like yesterday. 

I woke up in a good mood from a great three hour workout the night before, was excited to do a little baking while my boyfriend snored in the other room, and was going to write out my final five weeks of training and lounge with coffee and a good book.  The baking went as planned and I felt good as the smell of banana nut muffins permeated my small apartment.  Then I took my calendar dry erase board to write out what my training had in store for me for the final five weeks leading up to my 50k. And then it happened.  Seeing those final two weeks of mileage building and three week taper fit perfectly on the calendar made my heart jump up in my throat.  Seeing race day sitting on the very last day with its pink border and exclamation points made me feel like it was taunting me instead of promoting excitement. 
                My last two weeks of training were not what I had planned, since one week was in Las Vegas and I had nothing but concrete to run on which did a number on my calves which were already pretty severely knotted up, and then I came down with a really nasty cold the following week.  I started to feel my anxiety rise and that led to my brain starting to spiral.  Am I running enough hills?  My trail shoes aren’t working for me with long distances, should I try different ones?  Have I been doing enough upper body and core work to help me power though the race?  I’ve barely thought about nutrition and how I want to handle that – what will I be eating?  

And of course once you are stressing and unsure of one area of your life, self-doubt and internal conflict eventually creep into other areas as well.   How will I be able to handle speaking at this meeting on Friday?  Will I be able to pull all these big projects off?  Am I just playing dress up by wearing professional clothes and making decisions?  Am I too focused on my relationship?  Am I being needy?  Do I text or call my friends enough?  Did I make the right choice in the apartment I just signed a lease for?  Is this really the right nail polish color for me?  Am I having a bad hair day?  And on and on it goes.  Self-doubt knows no boundaries when you’re a naturally analytical person and a perfectionist.  There’s always something to be better at, someONE who is better at it than you, and mistakes that you will make. 

                I practically felt like I was drowning as all this started.  In my younger days I was a ball of nerves and anxiety most of the time, except for when I was running or horseback riding.  Thankfully times like these are more the exception than the rule, but that doesn’t make them any less jarring.  When my boyfriend woke up and shuffled into the living room he looked at me like I had antlers coming out of my head. I definitely was not the person he was used to being around. 

                I quickly ran down the list of usual activities that calm me down and focus me, so I threw on some clothes and my trail shoes and headed to Indian Lake to hike.  Fresh air and quiet always do a great job to recalibrate my head.  Unfortunately when I got out of the car I was greeted by a harsh, cold wind, and a thick layer of ice on the trails near the woods.  After two near falls down the side of a hill I turned around and went back to the car.  It obviously isn’t really spring yet here, and navigating a thick layer of ice without crampons and an ice pick was going to be a bad idea. 

                My plan B consisted of getting a new book at Barnes and Noble (George Sheehan – TheEssential Sheehan), sushi and a glass of white wine.  My chaos and second guessing finally started so subside.  Thank GOD.  After reading a few passages in Sheehan’s book, I had a realization.  I recognized that the source of so much of my stress I encounter is when I feel like I need to be someone else, or live up to someone else’s standards.  

                When I was spiraling about my race I was thinking about all the miles other people are probably logging, what they will think if I finish with a really slow time,  what my friends and family will think if I don’t finish in the top however many spots.  When I was stressing about my work presentation the source was a fear that the audience wouldn’t think I knew the material enough, they’d think I was nervous, I wouldn’t be polished enough and professional enough.  In both of those scenarios I was trying to be something, or someone else.  I was reading a book a week or so ago where the author was trying to be authentically herself more often, and in those moments that she succeeded, she was happier, more effective, and connected with people more easily.  So that’s the key here for me – to be Tracey in my training, in my work, in my relationships – I am a risk taking, envelope pushing, achievement lover.  So why not get tenacious and go for these things and rid myself of this mental clutter? 

                Sure, my last two weeks of training haven’t been great, but the 9 or 10 weeks prior were.  It’s time to pull things together and accept the hard, but rewarding work that I have to pull off before I taper.  I have always had a borderline paralyzing fear of public speaking, so instead of continuing to brood about it, work on it. Tomorrow night I have my first meeting with a local chapter of Toastmaasters International and I am actually pretty excited. I shared this on my facebook wall and the input and support I had from my friends made me even more resolute in addressing this fear and working on it. 

                I feel renewed today and am happy that I was able to shift the anxious energy I had yesterday into something constructive and positive.  I hope that being very open and direct about those dark places will encourage some of you to allow for that as well.  Those perceived short comings of ours can bring people closer together and give more understanding to those already complex relationships in your life.  It also gives you a great place to look back to once you’re on the other side of it and appreciate how you rallied out of a rough situation. 

The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Turning point

Something happened this weekend. It was a Friday afternoon, and I was transitioning my focus towards my weekend runs - ten miles Friday night, 18 miles Saturday afternoon.  With this less than cooperative winter I was planning on doing both of these runs on the treadmill like a million past weekends. And I couldn't handle it - how many more hours could I take on a spinning belt without actually going anywhere?  I literally felt like I was about at my breaking point.  I went home for a late lunch Friday to pack my gym bag and mentally regroup.  "Okay self, we have to get creative.  How can we make another treadmill run actually be not just bearable, but FUN."   And then it hit me - what's one of the most fun things to watch?  Stand up comedy!  Sure, it's always better when you've had a glass or two of wine and your stomach is full of quesadillas and fresh guacamole, but water and a gel cube or two will be a good substitute, right? 

So I loaded a few of my favorite comedians into 'My List' on Netflix and had renewed hope that maybe, just maybe, I could actually have fun during my evening run.  Just a few hours later I hopped on the mill, set up my Netflix to stream into the screen of the treadmill, and Katt Williams and I got to work.  I have to admit, I was a little cautious of laughing out loud while running,  maybe people would think I was nuts?  So I kept it to a near perpetual smile with a few quiet laughs to myself.  After his comedy special I went to my favorite comedian - Aziz Ansari.  He released a special almost a year ago I hadn't seen yet so I was excited for the new material.  ....  And then it  happened.  He went into a bit about marriage that had me laughing so hard I had to hop onto the side rail, double over, and literally belly laugh so hard I cried.  Yep - me, with no one near me on the other treadmills, and no sense of how loud I was really laughing because I had the volume up pretty high in my ear buds.  And you know what?  I didn't give a shit.  Here I was with just a few miles to go, my face sore from smiling, and laughing so hard I could barely breathe.  Now THAT was fun.  :)

The next day for my 18 miler I woke up with the itch to take it to the road.  Sure there was plenty of ice around, it was only 11°, and we were supposed to get a snow storm, but hey!  I had trail shoes, YakTrax, and a check card to take with.  What could go wrong, right? I knew I needed some more gel cubes, so I figured I'd go to the gym and leave from there.  I'd run at least to Endurance House and back for gels, and any longer I went was just gravy. The rest I'd do on the mill.


At first the snow was a little bothersome since I was heading mostly into the wind and it was snowing pretty hard, so all the snowflakes felt like tiny daggers flying into my eyes, but it soon let up and just floated around me.  It was peaceful, hardly no cars on the road, and I had added some new tunes to my playlist so I was thoroughly enjoying my run.  After my stop to get my Cliff Shot Bloks I decided to do a bigger loop outside, so I headed towards the Pheasant Branch Conservancy.  The snow was great for traction on top of all the ice, but I still had to be pretty careful.  I ran a segment that was a couple miles long, then stopped at a PDQ before entering the big loop.  I bought a bottle of water to carry, and a Red Bull that I asked the clerk to keep behind the register until I got back.  (When it's that cold I don't like to drink cold things later in the run, so I wanted it to be room temperature by the time I drank it.)  I really hit my sweet spot the next few miles.  The trees were beautiful and served as a great wind block, the few people I saw were really friendly and the fresh air was amazing.  It was just cold enough that I didn't want to look at my gps EVER so I didn't really know how far I was at any point either, which is a nice change from the treadmill display staring back at me. 

As I headed north the footing got worse, and there was a lot of wide open areas.  I knew that the strip of trail heading back west would be the worst of the entire run (into the wind, not protected, and really icy) so I decided to jump off the trail into a beautiful residential area for a little extra mileage and to build up my body heat before hitting the hard part.  Well, it started out seeming like a good idea.  I *thought* I'd remember the street names and glide effortlessly back to where I came from, but instead I got completely turned around, ended up on the shoulder of a country highway for a while heading north when I thought I was going south.  Then resorting to trying to run in the highest elevation of the neighborhood to at least see where I had to go, but it was farm land on one side, and the conservancy on the other, and they looked exactly the same with the increasing snow fall. 


After admitting to myself that my sense of direction was completely nonexistent without the sun being visible I changed my focus to try and find someone shoveling their driveway so I could ask for directions.  A few blocks later I spotted an older woman shoveling and had a dog running around the yard so I ran up to her and laughed at her surprised expression (I was a snow covered, snot encrusted mess with a big old smile at the time).  She did her best to remember street names, but then said 'can I just give you a ride?  I have no idea what the street names are to get over there.'  My fingers were getting WAY cold at this point so I enthusiastically agreed. Her Portuguese Water Dog named Lodi hopped in the backseat and I quickly saw that I was 100% backwards in thinking I knew where I was going.  She offered to take me all the way home, but I said dropping me back at the trail was just fine. 


It was tough getting out of the heated leather seats to immediately tackle the toughest trail section of the day, but I was too busy laughing at my poorly thought out plan to notice how cold I got.  A few miles later I was back at the PDQ and happily downed half the warm Red Bull while patiently answering the questions from the clerk -'so, you like doing this?  Are you sure you can get back to where you're going?'  I must have looked worse than how I felt, or he just wasn't used to seeing runners. 

The few miles back to the gym went by incredibly fast and I was happy to see that I logged 15 miles in the snow before heading back inside, which only left three miles to do on the treadmill. 

This weekend felt like a turning point for me - I no longer feel like I'm just logging miles and getting through it.  I'm running miles and really enjoying it again, I'm not pre-occupied with the effort or the logistics.  It's finally second nature and I can feel myself recovering faster, breathing easier,  even laughing during these runs!  It's given me a lot of confidence that I've been doing the right things these past couple months.  I have my first 20 miler of the year this weekend, and then it's off to Vegas for a work trip.  I'm excited to share with you guys the kinds of workouts I do when I'm traveling.  I don't believe in the excuse that someone can't workout just because they're on the road!