Shedding Light on the Dark

It’s easy to write about running or talk about running when it’s going well.  You want to celebrate your victories, share your new insights on the world, and disclose your happiness of a smooth, long run with perfect hydration, mental focus and strong legs.  It’s natural to want to share your happiness, but when you have a bobble, or worse, a meltdown, you want to keep it under wraps and not let anyone know. Well, I’m writing to do the opposite.  Shed light on the dark spots of training and as I like to say it, ‘put my chili out there.’  If I go through it, I’m willing to bet everyone else does too.  We just don’t shout it from the rooftops.

I would have to say that probably 95% of the time I’m mentally calm, focused, and have my ducks in a row. Not a whole lot rattles me (and generally not for long when it does), I maintain perspective on different events pretty well, and  do a good job at being mindful of the core facets of my life (work, training, coaching, health, relationships).  And then there’s a day like yesterday. 

I woke up in a good mood from a great three hour workout the night before, was excited to do a little baking while my boyfriend snored in the other room, and was going to write out my final five weeks of training and lounge with coffee and a good book.  The baking went as planned and I felt good as the smell of banana nut muffins permeated my small apartment.  Then I took my calendar dry erase board to write out what my training had in store for me for the final five weeks leading up to my 50k. And then it happened.  Seeing those final two weeks of mileage building and three week taper fit perfectly on the calendar made my heart jump up in my throat.  Seeing race day sitting on the very last day with its pink border and exclamation points made me feel like it was taunting me instead of promoting excitement. 

                My last two weeks of training were not what I had planned, since one week was in Las Vegas and I had nothing but concrete to run on which did a number on my calves which were already pretty severely knotted up, and then I came down with a really nasty cold the following week.  I started to feel my anxiety rise and that led to my brain starting to spiral.  Am I running enough hills?  My trail shoes aren’t working for me with long distances, should I try different ones?  Have I been doing enough upper body and core work to help me power though the race?  I’ve barely thought about nutrition and how I want to handle that – what will I be eating?  

And of course once you are stressing and unsure of one area of your life, self-doubt and internal conflict eventually creep into other areas as well.   How will I be able to handle speaking at this meeting on Friday?  Will I be able to pull all these big projects off?  Am I just playing dress up by wearing professional clothes and making decisions?  Am I too focused on my relationship?  Am I being needy?  Do I text or call my friends enough?  Did I make the right choice in the apartment I just signed a lease for?  Is this really the right nail polish color for me?  Am I having a bad hair day?  And on and on it goes.  Self-doubt knows no boundaries when you’re a naturally analytical person and a perfectionist.  There’s always something to be better at, someONE who is better at it than you, and mistakes that you will make. 

                I practically felt like I was drowning as all this started.  In my younger days I was a ball of nerves and anxiety most of the time, except for when I was running or horseback riding.  Thankfully times like these are more the exception than the rule, but that doesn’t make them any less jarring.  When my boyfriend woke up and shuffled into the living room he looked at me like I had antlers coming out of my head. I definitely was not the person he was used to being around. 

                I quickly ran down the list of usual activities that calm me down and focus me, so I threw on some clothes and my trail shoes and headed to Indian Lake to hike.  Fresh air and quiet always do a great job to recalibrate my head.  Unfortunately when I got out of the car I was greeted by a harsh, cold wind, and a thick layer of ice on the trails near the woods.  After two near falls down the side of a hill I turned around and went back to the car.  It obviously isn’t really spring yet here, and navigating a thick layer of ice without crampons and an ice pick was going to be a bad idea. 

                My plan B consisted of getting a new book at Barnes and Noble (George Sheehan – TheEssential Sheehan), sushi and a glass of white wine.  My chaos and second guessing finally started so subside.  Thank GOD.  After reading a few passages in Sheehan’s book, I had a realization.  I recognized that the source of so much of my stress I encounter is when I feel like I need to be someone else, or live up to someone else’s standards.  

                When I was spiraling about my race I was thinking about all the miles other people are probably logging, what they will think if I finish with a really slow time,  what my friends and family will think if I don’t finish in the top however many spots.  When I was stressing about my work presentation the source was a fear that the audience wouldn’t think I knew the material enough, they’d think I was nervous, I wouldn’t be polished enough and professional enough.  In both of those scenarios I was trying to be something, or someone else.  I was reading a book a week or so ago where the author was trying to be authentically herself more often, and in those moments that she succeeded, she was happier, more effective, and connected with people more easily.  So that’s the key here for me – to be Tracey in my training, in my work, in my relationships – I am a risk taking, envelope pushing, achievement lover.  So why not get tenacious and go for these things and rid myself of this mental clutter? 

                Sure, my last two weeks of training haven’t been great, but the 9 or 10 weeks prior were.  It’s time to pull things together and accept the hard, but rewarding work that I have to pull off before I taper.  I have always had a borderline paralyzing fear of public speaking, so instead of continuing to brood about it, work on it. Tomorrow night I have my first meeting with a local chapter of Toastmaasters International and I am actually pretty excited. I shared this on my facebook wall and the input and support I had from my friends made me even more resolute in addressing this fear and working on it. 

                I feel renewed today and am happy that I was able to shift the anxious energy I had yesterday into something constructive and positive.  I hope that being very open and direct about those dark places will encourage some of you to allow for that as well.  Those perceived short comings of ours can bring people closer together and give more understanding to those already complex relationships in your life.  It also gives you a great place to look back to once you’re on the other side of it and appreciate how you rallied out of a rough situation. 

The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.