I Can't and I Wish as Jumping Off Points

Thanks for joining me in my second piece in my series on how to Level Up Your Mindset!  If you didn't see my previous post called Can't, Have To, and Should. Why They're Stopping You, be sure to check it out. 

Last Monday I talked about Can't, Have To, and Should.  Today we're revisiting our old nemesis 'can't', but in a different light.  We'll also be talking about his close cousin 'I wish'.  If you took my advice from last week and paid attention to when you said that you can't do something, I'm sure a lot of those had to do with things people asked you to do. 

'Sorry Jessica, I can't meet you for coffee.  I have a zillion errands to run and need to pick up the kids from practice by 5:30.'

or

'I'm sorry Jim, I can't make our 2:00 meeting because I have a 1:30 appointment that just came up, can we reschedule?'

When really, we know that these mean:

'I'm sorry Jessica, I appreciate your offer to grab coffee, but it's important to me that I get my to-do list done since tomorrow is my only day off.  Can we find another time?

and

'I'm sorry Jim, I scheduled a very important appointment for 1:30 which I know will run longer than 30 minutes.  Can we move our 2:00 meeting to tomorrow?' 

We know we have choice in our days and what we do with them, and we choose to do those things which we have the most value around.  OR, maybe you're going through the motion filling your days with what you think you should be doing. 

Can't also comes up in another form, a very self-limiting form, and generally shows up when talking about something outside your comfort zone, or outside what you at this moment consider possible. 

I can't run a marathon.
I can't speak in front of 100 people.
I can't write a book.
I can't take a vacation alone.
I can't learn Italian.
I can't do a handstand.
I can't open my own business.
I can't get my pilot's license.
I can't learn how to ride a unicycle while playing a kazoo and juggling koosh balls. 

You get the idea. 

I hear things like this all the time, and yes, I even catch myself saying things like this sometimes.  The close cousin off this kind of can't is 'I wish'. 

I wish I could run a marathon
I wish I could speak in front of 100 people....

'I wish' also fits in front of all the 'I can't' statements, and it all means the same thing.  For some reason we don't believe we're strong enough/smart enough/talented enough/good enough/dynamic enough/confident enough to do that thing which we think we can't do.  Somewhere along the line we took our dreams we had as kids and stuffed them away in a drawer, and instead of being our dreams, they became our 'I can't' or 'I wish' drawer.  Someone probably told you that you couldn't do something, you got a bad grade on a test, or for me I was told I didn't have big enough hands to play the saxophone, so I told myself that I can't play it from then on.  Once we believe there's one thing we can't do, it's natural to think there's lots of other things we can't do.  When we doubt ourselves and our abilities, we play it safe.  We play small.  We may inch outside our comfort zone from time to time, but ' I can't' and 'I wish' keep us thinking in a small framework. 

From identifying certain limiting words in your speech last week, it should be more natural to notice now when you say 'I can't', and identify it - are you saying you can't because you're choosing to do something else, or are you saying you can't because you don't believe you can do it? 

I wrote a post recently that describes this process for me, and how I decided to take my dream trip to Italy.  I noticed that I said that 'I can't go to Italy, but I wish I could.'  I stopped in my tracks and questioned why I thought that (thank you for your coaching Jesse Elder - I now always notice when I say this!).  That's when I had a light bulb go off - 'why can't I go to Italy?... I'm going to Italy!' It was literally a 3 minute shift that was intensely powerful.  Now I'm planning my dream trip, and just booked my flight this weekend!



These times we say 'I can't' and 'I wish' are often things we don't let ourselves dream about.  So here's you task for this week.  In addition to noticing your use of 'can't' and 'I wish', I want you to make a list.  A big, fat, long, awesome list of goals and dreams.  (They are really one in the same, are they not?)  Shoot for 100, and don't leave anything unsaid.  Think big, allow yourself to DREAM, there are no limitations on what you can dream about, what you want, and what kind of goals you want to write on here.  This is your time to let these things flow and take up space on a piece of paper.  100 is a lot, so it's a great idea to carry this list around with you for a week.  You will find that once you allow yourself to start thinking of all that is really possible, you will have more and more things surface. 

I did this exercise a while back (I'm still adding to my list), and the very first thing I wrote down was that I want to do a Ted Talk someday. A TED TALK!  Anyone who knows me knows that I have had a debilitating fear of public speaking for years and years.  I joined Toastmasters 13 months ago and it has changed my life.  Now I want to do a Ted Talk someday! It's amazing what happens when you stop saying you can't, and believe that you can. 

Enjoy this task, enjoy letting yourself think about what you really want.  There's no judgment about any of the things you put on your list.  You are allowed to want anything you want - it's YOURS.  Share it with other people, or keep it just for you for now.  That's your choice.  Doing this and challenging yourself to think this way is a guaranteed way to bring vitality and enthusiasm into your life, it's a total game changer.  Get ready for the flow of energy, it's awesome.