Shedding Light on the Dark

It’s easy to write about running or talk about running when it’s going well.  You want to celebrate your victories, share your new insights on the world, and disclose your happiness of a smooth, long run with perfect hydration, mental focus and strong legs.  It’s natural to want to share your happiness, but when you have a bobble, or worse, a meltdown, you want to keep it under wraps and not let anyone know. Well, I’m writing to do the opposite.  Shed light on the dark spots of training and as I like to say it, ‘put my chili out there.’  If I go through it, I’m willing to bet everyone else does too.  We just don’t shout it from the rooftops.

I would have to say that probably 95% of the time I’m mentally calm, focused, and have my ducks in a row. Not a whole lot rattles me (and generally not for long when it does), I maintain perspective on different events pretty well, and  do a good job at being mindful of the core facets of my life (work, training, coaching, health, relationships).  And then there’s a day like yesterday. 

I woke up in a good mood from a great three hour workout the night before, was excited to do a little baking while my boyfriend snored in the other room, and was going to write out my final five weeks of training and lounge with coffee and a good book.  The baking went as planned and I felt good as the smell of banana nut muffins permeated my small apartment.  Then I took my calendar dry erase board to write out what my training had in store for me for the final five weeks leading up to my 50k. And then it happened.  Seeing those final two weeks of mileage building and three week taper fit perfectly on the calendar made my heart jump up in my throat.  Seeing race day sitting on the very last day with its pink border and exclamation points made me feel like it was taunting me instead of promoting excitement. 

                My last two weeks of training were not what I had planned, since one week was in Las Vegas and I had nothing but concrete to run on which did a number on my calves which were already pretty severely knotted up, and then I came down with a really nasty cold the following week.  I started to feel my anxiety rise and that led to my brain starting to spiral.  Am I running enough hills?  My trail shoes aren’t working for me with long distances, should I try different ones?  Have I been doing enough upper body and core work to help me power though the race?  I’ve barely thought about nutrition and how I want to handle that – what will I be eating?  

And of course once you are stressing and unsure of one area of your life, self-doubt and internal conflict eventually creep into other areas as well.   How will I be able to handle speaking at this meeting on Friday?  Will I be able to pull all these big projects off?  Am I just playing dress up by wearing professional clothes and making decisions?  Am I too focused on my relationship?  Am I being needy?  Do I text or call my friends enough?  Did I make the right choice in the apartment I just signed a lease for?  Is this really the right nail polish color for me?  Am I having a bad hair day?  And on and on it goes.  Self-doubt knows no boundaries when you’re a naturally analytical person and a perfectionist.  There’s always something to be better at, someONE who is better at it than you, and mistakes that you will make. 

                I practically felt like I was drowning as all this started.  In my younger days I was a ball of nerves and anxiety most of the time, except for when I was running or horseback riding.  Thankfully times like these are more the exception than the rule, but that doesn’t make them any less jarring.  When my boyfriend woke up and shuffled into the living room he looked at me like I had antlers coming out of my head. I definitely was not the person he was used to being around. 

                I quickly ran down the list of usual activities that calm me down and focus me, so I threw on some clothes and my trail shoes and headed to Indian Lake to hike.  Fresh air and quiet always do a great job to recalibrate my head.  Unfortunately when I got out of the car I was greeted by a harsh, cold wind, and a thick layer of ice on the trails near the woods.  After two near falls down the side of a hill I turned around and went back to the car.  It obviously isn’t really spring yet here, and navigating a thick layer of ice without crampons and an ice pick was going to be a bad idea. 

                My plan B consisted of getting a new book at Barnes and Noble (George Sheehan – TheEssential Sheehan), sushi and a glass of white wine.  My chaos and second guessing finally started so subside.  Thank GOD.  After reading a few passages in Sheehan’s book, I had a realization.  I recognized that the source of so much of my stress I encounter is when I feel like I need to be someone else, or live up to someone else’s standards.  

                When I was spiraling about my race I was thinking about all the miles other people are probably logging, what they will think if I finish with a really slow time,  what my friends and family will think if I don’t finish in the top however many spots.  When I was stressing about my work presentation the source was a fear that the audience wouldn’t think I knew the material enough, they’d think I was nervous, I wouldn’t be polished enough and professional enough.  In both of those scenarios I was trying to be something, or someone else.  I was reading a book a week or so ago where the author was trying to be authentically herself more often, and in those moments that she succeeded, she was happier, more effective, and connected with people more easily.  So that’s the key here for me – to be Tracey in my training, in my work, in my relationships – I am a risk taking, envelope pushing, achievement lover.  So why not get tenacious and go for these things and rid myself of this mental clutter? 

                Sure, my last two weeks of training haven’t been great, but the 9 or 10 weeks prior were.  It’s time to pull things together and accept the hard, but rewarding work that I have to pull off before I taper.  I have always had a borderline paralyzing fear of public speaking, so instead of continuing to brood about it, work on it. Tomorrow night I have my first meeting with a local chapter of Toastmaasters International and I am actually pretty excited. I shared this on my facebook wall and the input and support I had from my friends made me even more resolute in addressing this fear and working on it. 

                I feel renewed today and am happy that I was able to shift the anxious energy I had yesterday into something constructive and positive.  I hope that being very open and direct about those dark places will encourage some of you to allow for that as well.  Those perceived short comings of ours can bring people closer together and give more understanding to those already complex relationships in your life.  It also gives you a great place to look back to once you’re on the other side of it and appreciate how you rallied out of a rough situation. 

The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.

Turning point

Something happened this weekend. It was a Friday afternoon, and I was transitioning my focus towards my weekend runs - ten miles Friday night, 18 miles Saturday afternoon.  With this less than cooperative winter I was planning on doing both of these runs on the treadmill like a million past weekends. And I couldn't handle it - how many more hours could I take on a spinning belt without actually going anywhere?  I literally felt like I was about at my breaking point.  I went home for a late lunch Friday to pack my gym bag and mentally regroup.  "Okay self, we have to get creative.  How can we make another treadmill run actually be not just bearable, but FUN."   And then it hit me - what's one of the most fun things to watch?  Stand up comedy!  Sure, it's always better when you've had a glass or two of wine and your stomach is full of quesadillas and fresh guacamole, but water and a gel cube or two will be a good substitute, right? 

So I loaded a few of my favorite comedians into 'My List' on Netflix and had renewed hope that maybe, just maybe, I could actually have fun during my evening run.  Just a few hours later I hopped on the mill, set up my Netflix to stream into the screen of the treadmill, and Katt Williams and I got to work.  I have to admit, I was a little cautious of laughing out loud while running,  maybe people would think I was nuts?  So I kept it to a near perpetual smile with a few quiet laughs to myself.  After his comedy special I went to my favorite comedian - Aziz Ansari.  He released a special almost a year ago I hadn't seen yet so I was excited for the new material.  ....  And then it  happened.  He went into a bit about marriage that had me laughing so hard I had to hop onto the side rail, double over, and literally belly laugh so hard I cried.  Yep - me, with no one near me on the other treadmills, and no sense of how loud I was really laughing because I had the volume up pretty high in my ear buds.  And you know what?  I didn't give a shit.  Here I was with just a few miles to go, my face sore from smiling, and laughing so hard I could barely breathe.  Now THAT was fun.  :)

The next day for my 18 miler I woke up with the itch to take it to the road.  Sure there was plenty of ice around, it was only 11°, and we were supposed to get a snow storm, but hey!  I had trail shoes, YakTrax, and a check card to take with.  What could go wrong, right? I knew I needed some more gel cubes, so I figured I'd go to the gym and leave from there.  I'd run at least to Endurance House and back for gels, and any longer I went was just gravy. The rest I'd do on the mill.


At first the snow was a little bothersome since I was heading mostly into the wind and it was snowing pretty hard, so all the snowflakes felt like tiny daggers flying into my eyes, but it soon let up and just floated around me.  It was peaceful, hardly no cars on the road, and I had added some new tunes to my playlist so I was thoroughly enjoying my run.  After my stop to get my Cliff Shot Bloks I decided to do a bigger loop outside, so I headed towards the Pheasant Branch Conservancy.  The snow was great for traction on top of all the ice, but I still had to be pretty careful.  I ran a segment that was a couple miles long, then stopped at a PDQ before entering the big loop.  I bought a bottle of water to carry, and a Red Bull that I asked the clerk to keep behind the register until I got back.  (When it's that cold I don't like to drink cold things later in the run, so I wanted it to be room temperature by the time I drank it.)  I really hit my sweet spot the next few miles.  The trees were beautiful and served as a great wind block, the few people I saw were really friendly and the fresh air was amazing.  It was just cold enough that I didn't want to look at my gps EVER so I didn't really know how far I was at any point either, which is a nice change from the treadmill display staring back at me. 

As I headed north the footing got worse, and there was a lot of wide open areas.  I knew that the strip of trail heading back west would be the worst of the entire run (into the wind, not protected, and really icy) so I decided to jump off the trail into a beautiful residential area for a little extra mileage and to build up my body heat before hitting the hard part.  Well, it started out seeming like a good idea.  I *thought* I'd remember the street names and glide effortlessly back to where I came from, but instead I got completely turned around, ended up on the shoulder of a country highway for a while heading north when I thought I was going south.  Then resorting to trying to run in the highest elevation of the neighborhood to at least see where I had to go, but it was farm land on one side, and the conservancy on the other, and they looked exactly the same with the increasing snow fall. 


After admitting to myself that my sense of direction was completely nonexistent without the sun being visible I changed my focus to try and find someone shoveling their driveway so I could ask for directions.  A few blocks later I spotted an older woman shoveling and had a dog running around the yard so I ran up to her and laughed at her surprised expression (I was a snow covered, snot encrusted mess with a big old smile at the time).  She did her best to remember street names, but then said 'can I just give you a ride?  I have no idea what the street names are to get over there.'  My fingers were getting WAY cold at this point so I enthusiastically agreed. Her Portuguese Water Dog named Lodi hopped in the backseat and I quickly saw that I was 100% backwards in thinking I knew where I was going.  She offered to take me all the way home, but I said dropping me back at the trail was just fine. 


It was tough getting out of the heated leather seats to immediately tackle the toughest trail section of the day, but I was too busy laughing at my poorly thought out plan to notice how cold I got.  A few miles later I was back at the PDQ and happily downed half the warm Red Bull while patiently answering the questions from the clerk -'so, you like doing this?  Are you sure you can get back to where you're going?'  I must have looked worse than how I felt, or he just wasn't used to seeing runners. 

The few miles back to the gym went by incredibly fast and I was happy to see that I logged 15 miles in the snow before heading back inside, which only left three miles to do on the treadmill. 

This weekend felt like a turning point for me - I no longer feel like I'm just logging miles and getting through it.  I'm running miles and really enjoying it again, I'm not pre-occupied with the effort or the logistics.  It's finally second nature and I can feel myself recovering faster, breathing easier,  even laughing during these runs!  It's given me a lot of confidence that I've been doing the right things these past couple months.  I have my first 20 miler of the year this weekend, and then it's off to Vegas for a work trip.  I'm excited to share with you guys the kinds of workouts I do when I'm traveling.  I don't believe in the excuse that someone can't workout just because they're on the road!

 

Mental Game

If there is one thing I've learned about myself the last 6 weeks or so, it's that my creativity level is in direct proportion with how much time I spend outside.  As you can infer by my lack of blog posts lately, I've been spending almost all my time inside.  In my office.  In my gym. In my apartment.  It's not news to anyone that many parts of the US have had a brutal winter so far, and instead of being hard headed and insisting on increasing my mileage outside on the ice and snow, I've stayed mostly inside on the treadmill, trying to enjoy wearing shorts and streaming Netflix onto the treadmill screen, but in those miles I haven't found myself thinking creatively, I have found myself doing what I can to get through the workout. 

As I am now into what I call 'Phase 2' of my training, I am focusing pretty intensely on the mental aspect of my runs. Instead of focusing all my attention on the episode of WorkOut, or documentary I'm watching, I am trying to simply be where I am.  Stay present in my workout, maybe even connect with people around me to mentally stay in that gym, be in my body, accept that I will be there on that treadmill for 2 or 3 hours, and just be relaxed and patient.  I am sure that most of you can relate to doing something and often times thinking about where you'd rather be, what you'd rather be doing, what you need to do when you're done with the task at hand.  I think that's natural, but I also think it's a drain on your mental power, and lowers your enjoyment level at the present moment.  How brutal is it to be only 6 miles into a 16 miler and all you can think about is what you want to eat, how good your bed probably feels, how you can't wait to check you phone to see how many people 'liked' your status  update that you're doing your long run...  It takes you out of your moment and you're just anxious to be onto the next thing.  And guess what - when you are on to your next task you're probably wishing you were onto the next thing, and so on. 

So that's my current focus, which I think will pay dividends when it comes to my 50k in April.  The conditions are likely to be pretty bad, and I anticipate that it will be slow going - and what could make that worse?  Wishing it was over, wishing I was further along, wishing I was in the car with my finisher's medal on the way home.... I know that being in the moment, accepting that I will be out there for a long time, talking with other runners around me, and doing what I can to enjoy the beauty of the trail will keep me enjoying the most adverse running conditions. 

I did make it a point to get outside for a while today and got creative with my recovery workout.  It was sunny and almost 20° so I threw on some layers, made sure my snowshoes were in the trunk, and went out to Indian Lake.  My legs felt surprisingly good for how tired they were last night during my 16 miler, so I decided to run up all the inclines on the trails to mix things up and get a little extra credit hill work in.  Conditions were a bit icy but the snowshoes handled that well so I was able to enjoy the scenery, appreciate my body's quick recovery, stop here and there to listen to the birds sing, and had a nice conversation with a woman who was cross country skiing.  I did think a bit about what I had planned afterwards, but for the most part my mind stayed on the trail, and appreciated the time spent outside.  Here's a few photos from the snowy trail. 

To Live or Exist - A Distance Runner's Point of View

Sometimes you have one of those days that open your eyes a little bit.  Today was one of those days for me. Two things really caught my attention.  The first one being a running friend of mine finding out that he has a degenerative joint disease in his right hip, and will likely need a hip replacement.  The other thing is finding out that an old friend’s dad is having a cancer scare.  Hearing about things like that make you take stock of your life, your health, and those people you care about.

It leads me to think about lifestyle choices, and the potential risk that comes with them.  If you are a distance runner, you have probably been told more times than you’d like to count that running all those miles is hard on your heart, that we won’t have any knees left by the time we turn 50, that it’s dangerous to run at night, in the dark, in minimalist shoes, in traditional running shoes, whatever.  You’ve probably heard it all, and probably from a sedentary know-it-all while he sips his 8^th cup of coffee and chomps his Nicorette on his way to peruse the vending machine snack options.  (Okay, maybe that’s just my specific example, but you get the idea.)  All our lifestyle choices come with their own inherent risk no matter what it is.  There is no ‘perfect’ life to lead, so then we are all left with our own free will to choose to do what we want.  I have chosen the path of distance running. 

Who knows, someday I may have to go under the knife to replace my worn out body parts with new and improved bionic parts, or I may keel over of a heart attack on a mountain trail, but the life that my running has given me is something I’d never take back, or wish to change.  I compare that to the concept of renting or owning.  You could rent a house and keep most things in boxes, not hang anything on the walls to avoid nail holes, and always change into a pair of house shoes when you walk in the door so you don’t track anything across the floors.  Or you could really own that house, hang your favorite things up on the walls, put up a dart board knowing you’ll miss your target sometimes, but you don’t care because you just love playing.  That’s how I feel I have treated my body – I’m mindful of it, but I feel alive when I push limits, breathe hard, jump higher than before, hike to the top of a mountain, run hilly trails for 6 hours.  Part of this sport is how it feels –to feel alive and acknowledge the experience of it all – cold mountain air, standing in a stream after a race, connection to your running mates when you push through something hard together.  You’re really living in your body, not just existing. 

This concept crosses over every aspect of your life – your work, your relationships, how you treat strangers, choosing to bury your head in your smart phone or interact with the world around you – they’re all facets of your existence that you can really live in or just exist.  And the beauty of it all, is that it’s your choice, until that day that the choice is taken away.  Today I am thankful that the choice is mine.  Time to run.

To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all. - Oscar Wilde

 

A New Kind of New Years Eve

 

For as long as I can remember (well, as far back as early high school anyway) I have always had some kind of New Years Eve celebration, and it always involved having at least a few drinks.  This year I decided to try something different.  A few weeks ago my boyfriend told me how his parents always said that the way you start a new year sets the tone for the year to come, so as a kid he always had to have things in order - his bed had to be made, things put away, and loose ends tied up.  Since he was working downtown that night I decided to give that at try, and really think about the tone I wanted to set for my new year.



Work wasn't complete until I hung up my new Runner's World calendar!

I worked a full day as I always do, and then went to Barnes and Noble to treat myself to a couple new books (I'm a self-proclaimed book dork), and then went to the gym to run a 7 miler on the treadmill.  To keep things somewhat interesting on the treadmill I always increase my pace either every mile, or every two songs so I naturally get used to running negative splits.  It felt great to know I was doing something positive for myself and putting some running 'feng shui' in place for 2014. 

 

I was surprised at the amount of other people still at the gym at 7:30 when I was leaving, so maybe I'm not the only weirdo that would rather usher the year in with a healthy habit rather than paying for overpriced drinks in a crowded bar amidst a bunch of scantily clad singles.  (I'm very aware that makes me sound old.)  After some strength work, abs, and stretching I picked up Jimmy Johns and met my boyfriend at home to spend a little time with him before he had to work. 



My two new books and magazine treat. :)

As soon as he walked out the door I curled up on my couch, and promptly fell asleep.  Midnight came and went without so much as a flicker of my eyelids, and I was perfectly content with that.  My body was tired but happy, and giving myself the rest I needed instead of going out because I 'should' felt empowering and very centered.  The next morning I got up and did my short shake out run and cooked a healthy breakfast.  I met my boyfriend and some friends out downtown in the afternoon to watch the disappointing Badger bowl game, but it was great going out, feeling stronger and more refreshed than I had the day before. 

I can't help but think that setting that tone for 2014 will resonate through the year. It was a perfect balance of being healthy, taking care of myself, and still finding time to be social with the people I care about.  I hope you all had a great New Years Eve too, no matter how you decided to celebrate it.  :)

 

 

 

Reflections on 2013.

We are entering into the final week of 2013, and as a year winds down and a new one is ready to usher in new opportunity, it's a good time to look back on the highs and lows of the previous year.  There are a few key moments that I keep thinking of when I look back on 2013, and I have chosen to share them with you.

January / February ~  As I rang in 2013 it was laced with sadness and an injury.  I was still dealing with a break up that was very difficult for me, and to make matters worse I was in physical therapy for a hamstring injury so I couldn't cope through running.  By mid-January I was three weeks away from having medical clearance to run and I needed something to look forward to on the calendar.  I decided to plan a road trip down to Kentucky to visit my brother and his wife, and meet my beautiful great niece.  On Valentine's Day I drove down to Lawrenceburg and embraced the change in scenery, took my time going through small towns, singing along to my XM radio, and embraced every new experience as a way to rejuvenate my temporarily downtrodden spirit.  Spending time with my family and enjoying a slower pace of life, I started to feel my spirits lift.  I met a friend of my brother and sister in law's and she had a significant impact on me.  She has just gone through a break up and had absolutely no problem talking about it - how hard it was, how awful she felt, how much she cried - she just put it all out there and was completely unapologetic about it.  That kind of authenticity and honesty isn't something you see very often, and it reinforced to me that it's okay to feel what you're feeling - we're all human, we have good days and bad, and you don't have to 'fake it' to get through things.  Just be who you are.  I was so thankful to have met her!


Woodford Reserve tour in KY!

Selfie with my brother. :)
 

March ~ My mojo really shifted in March.  With a happier mindset, starting running again, and having some promising things going on with work I was happy to be pleasantly surprised by a man who has proved to be the most loving, intelligent and engaging person I have met.  I was on a work trip in Orlando when he and I started talking, and it has been wonderful ever since then.  It proved the old adage true that you find what you're looking for when you stop looking for it. 

July ~ I think back to this month a lot.  I took a road trip to Colorado with three girls I coached when they were in high school, and are all sophomores in college now.  We had an amazing time of scenic runs, yoga at Red Rocks, fireworks over Breckenridge on the 4th,  singing along to Luke Bryan, cooking some hit or miss meals, and having a lot of laughs.  None of the girls had been to Colorado before so I loved showing them my favorite places, hiking to hard to reach places, and sharing my love for the mountains.
 

September/October/November ~ Cross country season was something for the story books - I still can't believe it.  Our season was highly decorated this year.  We won many meets, broke records, suffered devastating injuries, and still managed to pull off a state win - the first one in school history for the program!  I could not have been more proud of the girls I've pounded out so many miles with.  Seeing them all glow on that podium made all the early mornings, late nights, and 60+ hour work weeks worth while. 

December ~ Christmas was a very happy time for me this year.  I had a wonderful man to spend Christmas Eve with along with his family, and it was the feeling of 'home' I had wanted.  His nieces insisted I sit next to them at dinner, laughed with his parents, played games with his brother and his wife.  It was wonderful! Christmas Day was a relaxing day with my parents - grilling steaks, playing cards, watching A Christmas Story. 

Though this year had a bit of a rocky start, it really has ended up being the best year I have had.  I hope you all have some time to reflect on the year that is wrapping up and celebrate those moments that stand out to you.  Congratulations on your 2013, and I look forward to cheering you on in your successes in 2014 as well. 

 "Have a dream, make a plan, go for it. You'll get there, I promise."____Zoe Koplowitz, Achilles Track Club member with multiple sclerosis, who required 24 hours on crutches but finished the 1993 New York City Marathon. 

 

Sometimes It's A Grind

It can be easy to assume that a person that has been running consistently for 23 years sails through most of their runs, adds miles easily, and finishes every workout with a smile.  I can tell you with certainty that it isn't true for me.  At least right now. 

As you may have read in earlier posts of mine, I was approaching this training plan with a different mindset and decided to truly let my body rest and fully repair before I started logging miles again to prepare for 2014.  I purposely let myself get out of shape so that when I started running again my body would stay healthy since it had ample time to heal up from all the wear and tear of the year.  I still think it's a great game plan, but WOW - does getting back into shape blow sometimes. 

Ever since I have been running distance things always feel like a grind until I get to the point that I'm comfortably running ten milers.  Then I can add miles with ease, my soreness is minimal, and I enjoy my workouts a lot more.  Today I did a 'long' run of seven miles and it was honestly tough.  A big part of that was the footing I was running on - It's a balmy 39° in southern Wisconsin today so of course I headed outside to log the miles, not really mentally preparing myself to sill have an ample amount of slop and snow to trudge through. 

I accept that I am where I should be right now - I shouldn't be fast, I shouldn't be effortlessly running 12 milers, I'm right where I need to be - rebuilding. Though it is hard to think back to past times when I could have done a 20 miler in today's conditions and still felt just fine.  It's a continuous cycle for us runners - we're always in states of building, maintaining, peaking, or resting due to us choosing to rest, or our bodies deciding for us.  I'm happy I'm re-building after consciously choosing to rest, but WOW - it schooled me today. 

I ran for the second time with my new GPS watch (the NikePlus - thank you wonderful boyfriend!) and I was surprised that I still managed to average close to 8:30 miles with the conditions, but it felt more like ten minute miles.  I intended to stop and take some pictures to share since it was absolutely gorgeous out there, but I was very well aware that if I stopped much I'd lose my gusto much more quickly. I did manage to stop and get a couple great pictures of people ice skating on a pond I ran past - it was very Normal Rockwell!